Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas

The past two years I have spent Christmas choking back tears. Reeling from recent losses and trying to hold it together during a time that is supposed to be "merry and bright".

My prayers tonight are for those whose hearts are aching tonight. Whether from infertility or other reasons, this can be such a tough time for so many. Blessings to all of you....

Thursday, December 6, 2012

December 7th...

A tough day. Its been two years. A day that changed my life forever. 
 
 
 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Strength Like No Other

You never know when someone from your past is going to come back into your life and make a profound impact on you.

Many people have emailed/written/called telling me what strength I have from all I have been through the last two years.  Do I agree with them? Absolutely. Recurring Pregnancy Loss is a tough battle to endure. It has made me strong, for sure.

But because of all this, I have "reconnected" with a friend from high school...who is on a TOTALLY different path than I...but has shown me what strength really is. We weren't even very close in high school, not the bestest of friends...but she has impacted my life far more than she will ever know.

Let me back up my story a bit...

When Nora was born I was blessed with that happy blissful "everything turned out okay and I have a healthy baby in my arms" that everyone imagines when they think of getting pregnant and having a baby.

But 24 hours after my c section that was taken from me.

The nurse came in...my husband wasn't even in the room. I was alone when she said to me, "We have to test your baby for Down's Sydrome". I can't even type it without the tears flowing from my eyes. Remembering that moment is horrifying.

At this point my husband entered the room and I lost it. I mean LOST IT. How could this be? She looked fine to me. Was it a Mother's blind eye to something that was wrong? The doctor said she was healthy. I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.

You see, Nora was born with a Simian Crease (now called Single Palmar Crease) on one hand. Its a marker for Down's Syndrome. Usually on two hands for people with Down's, but combined with other features the nurses called my pediatrician and a chromosome analysis was warrented.

"Its a simple blood test...chromosome count...and we would know the results in 10 days".  10 days.

I shut down. I hid. I analyzed her. We told each other we love her no matter what, but I shunned away all visitors. For ten days I avoided all contact from everyone texting for pictures, face.booking me for details, wanting to stop by for visits. I cried so much I didn't think I would ever pick up the pieces.

While in the doctors appt. for her regular checkup ten days after she was born, I sat and waited for the results. They weren't in. As if it were a scene from a movie, there was a knock at the door and the nurse just picked up the results off the fax machine.

46 XX

She was healthy. I thanked God and I cried a hell of a lot more right there in the office.

**************************************************************

Fast forward to about two years later when I saw this friend from high school, Kerry, announce her pregnancy on facebook. I was pregnant at about at about the same time. I was nervous after my 14 week loss and after I miscarried that pregnancy too I was bitter and angry and I logged off fbook for awhile in order two avoid seeing those pregnant around me continue their happiness without me.  When I returned I saw Kerry was close to having the baby. It was hard going back on and seeing it,  but I thank God I did.

The day she had her baby is the day she began to touch the lives of so many. You see, that feeling I had for those ten days was her immediate reality moments after her c section. Her beautiful girl was born with Aperts Syndrome, a craniofacial condition affecting the head, feet, and hands. It is rare, affecting about 1 in 160,000 - 200,000 births in the U.S. After a blissful pregnancy the operating room turned quiet and she knew something was wrong. She tells her story of that day so beautifully, I simply cannot put it to words. Her honesty about that day hit home with me....for such a short moment in my life, I knew how she felt. I had her thoughts and knowing that her daughter Mary Cate's diagnosis was forever...not just for ten days... it hung heavy in my heart.

What Kerry did next after such a short time is amazing. She didn't hide. She didn't shun people away or keep her daughter from the world. She rallied her closest family and friends and began educating others on Apert's Syndrome. She has now become a resource for other families with babies having the same diagnosis. She started her beautiful blog and website, My Mary Cate to keep everyone informed and to keep everyone aware of the struggles...and sweet rewards of raising a child with Apert's. Her family and friends had a benefit, where literally thousands came to celebrate the life of her sweet baby girl. It stopped me in my tracks at how so much love and support was in one building.

She literally has taken the entire South Side of Chicago and has brought Mary Cate into our lives. She has educated grammar school students to be accepting of people's differences. She is honest and doesn't sweet talk what it is like dealing with an unknown future of surgeries, doctors appointments and the serious medical issues that come with a diagnosis of Apert's Syndrome. She shows us a true Mother's love for all to aspire to. 

She is the major reason I started this blog. I saw how she could open up and knew I needed to do the same about my losses.

To me, she has a strength like no other. Her daughter is a such a blessing to us all, and continues to prevail through her surgeries and with meeting milestones.  I am so grateful she started her blog. Grateful that she has opened the eyes of so many and that she shares both the happy and hard times she has....so I can try and pick her up during those tough moments and carry her in my thoughts and prayers like she does for me.

Your path is so different than mine, but I thank you, Kerry for showing me what strength really is.

Happy 1st Birthday, sweet Mary Cate
 




Wednesday, November 7, 2012

It had to be the same exact date....

One of my students mentioned that his mom was pregnant a few weeks ago....Not my favorite subject to dwell on so I let it go.

She came in to volunteer a month or so ago and I could tell that she was sick with morning sickness...again, I'd rather avoid the topic so I didn't ask.

Today she came in again, and proceeded to talk about how sick she was. It was almost awkward if I didn't ask why. So she told me how indeed she was pregnant. I had to swallow my pride and ask all the questions. You know, how many weeks? Do you know what you're having? Etc etc.

Her due date you ask? March 25th. My exact due date for the last failed pregnancy. THE EXACT SAME DATE.

What the hell? Now I get to look at her every day when she gets bigger and bigger and think "that's exactly where I'd be".

Her 20 week ultrasound is Friday. That would have been me. Why did she have to have the exact same date? Ugh.

Unfreakingbelievable.

Monday, November 5, 2012

There Comes A Point

After going through this for so long there comes a point where nearing the end of the 2ww is different. Way different from when a positive pregnancy test meant in your mind that you would have a baby in nine months.

There comes a point where a sliver of you is hopeful, but a pit starts to form in your stomach at the mere thought of getting a positive result.

I used to find myself dying to take a test five days early. Now? I push it back as far as I can, knowing that such pain and anxiety comes with two pink lines.

My best friend called when I was at the gym today. "I thought you don't workout while you are waiting to test?" she asked.  There comes a point where I decided I cannot put my life on hold anymore. I am done with it.

So, that's where I'm at. That point of waiting to test, but not holding my breath at the same time.

It's just different now.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

We...are never ever ever

Getting back together......

Me and my opks, that is.

I can't trust them! Lets back track to last week.  Fertile CM, low temps, ovary twinges...but never a positive opk. Since I am self pay, and each visit to the clinic costs big bucks, we usually wait until I see lh line darkening on my sticks. I then go in for ultrasound, we trigger and IUI. My cycles are so wacko this is usually the best method since I normally don't ovulate until day 374 of my cycle.

I got antsy and went in anyways on Friday since it was cd 20 and nothing. Ultrasound didn't show any big follicles and she said my lining looks like it was "funky" as she so kindly put it. Funky as in what it should look like right after ovulation or with PCOS...which I also have.

Cue to this morning when I had my second day of high temps. I then went again, per my dr to see what was really going on. I had perfect striped lining at 17 and my bloodwork came back that I did, indeed ovulate.

So, just goes to show you can't plan everything...and we just might be like regular couples that "oops just happened to get pregnant" without running to the bedroom...pee stick and charts in hand. 

I'll fall over if it actually happens.  

In the meantime, I'm shockingly in the "two week wait" and officially broken up with my opks. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Video Challange

I've done myself in this time...

While after having a couple drinks on my anniversary, I had on my brave big girl pants and partially signed up for Stupid Stork's video challenge.

She is holding me to it. Holding me to go outside my comfort zone and answer some questions on video. Notice I said some (my Mother and Aunts are wonderful enough to read this blog and so I can't answer all)

I don't like being on video, actually I'd rather be in the stirrups for another HSG than have someone tape me....but here it goes, I do actually make an appearance!



So again, if you haven't visited Stupid Stork yet, I suggest you click that little link above and pay her a visit. She's hysterical and makes me laugh often about how horrible IF can be. Sometimes that is worth more than gold...
In the end I'm glad I took the challenge. It only took three takes...one re-do from laughing and one from crying...Not bad!

Blessings to all...


Friday, October 12, 2012

"C" ing Is Believing

My Weekend...brought to you by the letter C...









is for CYST


The cyst is gone! Hip Hip Hooray! We've been monitoring it this week to see if it left with my period. It was smaller Tuesday but still almost 25mm.  Even though it wasn't producing Estrogen and was inactive I was still leery about starting meds with a cyst. But now I don't even have to worry because that nasty little thing shrank even more.










is for CLOMID



Starting the Clomid today. 100 mg for 7 days instead of five. This time is SO much different. I am not worrying about every little thing. The wait to start this again was nice. I even thought about pushing back my treatments. Lets not kid ourselves, I'm not getting any younger and the stork doesn't just drop a bundle at your doorstep when you want it so I decided to go for it...and if I'm surprised with a pregnancy and actual baby at the end of it then it will be a true miracle! Now, come on Clomid, show me some love!









is for CINCO

Five year anniversary is tomorrow! I can't believe it..how fast it has gone! The laughter has outweighed our tears...the blessing has outweighed our grief....and one thing is for sure - we are much stronger individually and as a unit as we were five years ago. Cheers to the next five bringing even more joy to our lives.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Infertility Even Affects....

Infertility affects so many aspects of life.

Even your teeth.

At least mine.

Since my first miscarriage almost two years ago, I have begun clenching my jaw while sleeping and grinding my teeth. The anxiety, worry, stress coming forward even when I'm sleeping. I never had that problem before, but now when I wake I can feel my jaw is sore, that my teeth hurt because of the constant clenching.

It all came to a head this week. Monday I started having some tooth and gum pain, I took some tylenol and ignored it. I was at work Thursday and started having the worst "I want to jump out the window or someone shoot me now" pain. The kind of pain the is crippling and had me at my knees writhing and crying out for two days straight. I practically ran in and sat on the dentist's lap waiting for the novicane so I could have relief for an hour. That didn't even work. The major painkillers didn't even put a dent in it. 

Since that tooth already has a root canal on it, the dentist said it is probably fractured from all the tension and grinding, causing an infection and absess. The antibiotics have relieved enough of the pain that I can at least see straight now but the tooth has to come out. The absess may clear but chances are it will come back....and Lord I can't even imagine what would happen if I had this while pregnant. I cannot imagine it.

So since I am clearly not pregnant and awaiting my period still I am going today to get this sucker taken out. My face is all swollen already and I look like I got ran over by a bus from being in agony since Thursday.

Thank you again, infertility....for all the wreckage you have created in my life and in the lives of so many others. You suck.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Hurdles

Seems like every time I turn the corner to the straight away, another damn hurdle pops up. My "less than stellar" reproductive system has thrown another wrench into things.

Finally I had enough waiting and made an appt to have bloodwork and ultrasound to see what going on with this cycle. It's almost 7 weeks post d and c no period in sight. Temps were still low too so I knew it wasn't coming anytime soon.

Another hurdle. A 34 mm cyst on my right ovary.  They found it on Tuesday and wanted to give it a couple days to see if I'd ovulate from it.
Hahaha, funny.....That would have been too easy for me. It laughed at that idea and even grew a little. It's inactive but I am starting Provera tonight to induce a period and hopefully shrink it back down. My lining is super thick and my ute is in need of a good cleaning. Out with the old, in with the new.

Ready to move forward...but wishing I'd quit running into these damn hurdles.

Happy PCOS awareness month to me....as if the Metformin side effects weren't horrid enough.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Lightening Bolts

I can't tell you enough how great I've been feeling lately. I have no idea how or why but I have been really feeling like myself again. We have had some amazing weekends, full of laughter, family and friends. Taking a mini break from all the stress sure has done me some good. Once in a while thoughts of the next cycle creep in and I immediately block them out because I can feel myself start to worry.  I was even supposed to call the nurse today to induce my period but I am going to wait a bit...enjoy living for a while.


It sure is crazy though. I'll be skipping right along and BAM something pops out of nothing and it hits you like a ton of bricks, like a lightening bolt zapped you from the sky.

It could be another "oops we weren't even trying for number three pregnancy annoucement on Facebook" (seems to happen all the time these days)
It could be the "man when are you two going to have another kid" question (like I had over the weekend)
It could be the pregnant person complaining about how hard their baby is kicking.

You never know when it's going to hit. Today I got this in the mail. Thinking it was an invitation I unassumingly opened...


The sad thing? There were four envelopes for me. Each containing an invite, but not for a party one would want to be on the guest list for.

Like a lightening bolt...out of no where that reminds you of your reality.

For some reason though, I have been handling it. Maybe I have been struck too many times now and have had enough...or I've learned these things are always going to happen and I need to handle them. I know there will be days ahead where I will cry, call my best friend in tears or come here to release some of the huge weight I now bear on my shoulders.

But for these lightening bolts?  I've got to brush them off, wait for the sun to reappear and keep on going.

And that's exactly what I am doing.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Officially....

Unpregnant


Seems like I'm either waiting for the two lines to appear or waiting for them to disappear...doesn't it?

I'm happy to be running again.
I'm happy to be doctor appointment free for the next few weeks.
I'm happy that I decided not to track my hcg so I don't have to analyze my numbers going down.
I'm happy fall is here (stay away Chicago winter)...

It's been four weeks since my d and c. My period should come in the next two weeks and I have to call my nurse next week to check in. When it does we will be full steam ahead.

Four weeks ago. I feel like it takes so long to reset my body/hormones but I'm trucking along nicely. 

Just enjoying life. 

             And waiting for the chance to see those two lines of hope once again...

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Plan...Version 6.0

You got that right folks. Met the RE to talk about the miscarriage and plan for hopefully my 6th pregnancy. 6th pregnancy... I would have bet my life savings I never thought I'd say those words!

The timing of this appointment came at exactly two years to the day since Larry and I decided to start trying again.  Exactly one year since my septum removal surgery. I can remember right where we were. Out for a walk after dinner and he brought up trying again. I wasn't quite ready to try yet, but since I had trouble the first time I gave in. I remember saying things like "I would like the kids 'x' years apart"...or "I would like to get pregnant during 'x' month so I wont be pregnant during this holiday".

What the hell was I thinking?? How blind and naive was I that any of this would be up to me...and here I am exactly two years later and still planning and plotting and wishing and hoping for something that is clearly not up to me.

That's the beauty though about what I've realized...it's not up to me. There is nothing else I can do! So with this next plan I am going to try and live my life normally and let everything else fall into place. Much easier said than done when so much is invested but I am going to try. Baby steps. I know there will be days where I am stressed and anxious...that is a given. It's always going to be here, on my brain at some degree.  I just can't let it control me anymore.

So at the RE we discussed:

*The blighted ovum was more than likely a bad egg or sperm. No medicine or medical intervention would have helped.
*In all his years he has never had a patient not respond to that many doses of Misprostol. Grrr. I felt my blood boiling just thinking about it...but I let it go.
*Once I get my period (I will call if I don't get in two more weeks) I will be taking 100mg of Clomid for 7 days instead of 5 to hopefully push up ovulation sooner in my cycle. Any other bloggers do this?
*Adding some Vitamin D, CO q 10, and others to hopefully improve egg quality while continuing exercising and running. Continue on Metformin and will be on Lovenox with positive test.
*I was reminded that a Clomid/IUI cycle has about a 10% success rate.

As for now I still have a faint positive on my pregnancy tests (meaning I still have hcg in my system).  It's faint, but still there so I will track that to negative and hope to start a new cycle at the end of the month.

Two years.
Man, I have learned a lot...about what a miracle this truly is. I've learned about myself. My family. My friends. About how strong I can be and how that strength can be tested to its limits. These two years have definitely changed me.

Most importantly I learned how I can't control this...so I am not going to try. I will follow my doctors protocol but I am trying to loosen the death grip this has had on me.

It was strangling me..and I can finally take a breath.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Healing

I had my "post d &c" appointment today with my OB. We had a good long talk about this particular miscarriage.

For me, this particular miscarriage was much easier to handle than my others. The day I found out I was angry, but that was mainly because I was dealt this on top of three other losses. It was much easier for me to see an empty sac on the screen and know it was over than to see a perfectly formed baby lying still, when it's heart was beating just days before.

Maybe it was also what I expected. The second my betas didn't quite double, I knew. Perhaps that is why I was beyond nervous for every appt? Even with the story or two people shared of similar betas and my nurses reassuring me it was okay, I knew it. I knew it wasn't ectopic because I felt exactly where it implanted, and I knew there was never going to be a baby or a heartbeat. Mother's intuition?  I even told my Mom that first week and it was just a matter of time. The waiting throughout this entire process from start to finish is so hard.

Now, this is not to say that blighted ovums are not traumatic to women, I am saying that in my experiences this was easier for me to handle. Any miscarriage is devastating. This is also not to say that I can or would like to endure this, or any other type of miscarriage ever again. Ever. I think I've had my fair share...and then some.

Extreme frustration came with needing another surgery to rid my body of an empty sac after all that medicine that works "95%" of the time. I always fall into that small %. I was just hoping to miscarry on my own and move on so I could be done with it.

We discussed how blighted ovums are usually an error in the chromosomes/genetics and no amount of medicines or blood thinners could have helped it. I am at peace with that. So for now I am healing, going to run a few races with my husband, and enjoy a few drinks on my weekends while we wait some more for my hcg to go back down to zero (which usually takes forever). I will also be turning to this blog to vent and continue connecting with other bloggers. I am so so glad I started this. I have met so many amazing, supportive and strong women from around the globe. This, along with strength given by my friends and family that follow has helped me tremendously.

I did have to chuckle to myself though as my "lucky/unlucky" post was written in good timing....when asked about a future pregnancy my doctor said "it's literally a roll of the dice every time, you just have to get lucky". Almost the exact same words as my RE said to me last week over the phone. As for moving forward I meet with my RE on Tuesday to discuss next steps. 

Moving forward.....again.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Unlucky?... or ...Lucky?

**Warning** I do not often talk about my daughter on this blog, but this post will. If you are a "fellow blogger" and not in a place where you can read about children, feel free to skip this one...I completely understand.


The words "lucky" and "unlucky" are used a lot when people talk about my situation. I have even used them myself.

"This many losses in a row without any medically conclusive answers could just be really bad luck"
"You are so lucky to have Nora. How is she here?"
"Your bad luck is bound to change soon"
"Next time is going to be your lucky one"
 
I struggle myself in how I look at things. Constantly. To be honest, my answer can change almost daily.
 
Four Miscarriages in a row?  For sure unlucky...
Being born with a giant wall in my uterus? Unlucky #2
Not having insurance coverage on any fertility related costs? Unlucky Kate
Having no answers and no genetic reasons to fix this? Yep, bad luck again
Needing surgeries to rid my body of the loss instead of expelling it on its own? Not my lucky day.
 
But you see, when I set my grief aside I can take a step back and look at it a little differently. In 2008, before Nora, I would sit in the clinic and watch women bring their toddlers in for a second chance at luck. I would sit with tears welling and pray "Please, please God, bless us with one, these women are so lucky they have at least one and are coming back for a bonus".
 
And I am too...I am lucky. God has blessed me. I am one of the lucky ones.



I gave birth to a healthy baby girl...
 
 
 
 I get to watch my husband be a Father...
 
 
 
We get to watch her take in all life has to offer...
 
 
 
And when I wasn't feeling so lucky after finding out about my last miscarriage my little girl said,  "Mommy, don't cry...let's just dance!"
 
Seems pretty "lucky" to me...
 
 
Although there are times when its hard for me to see past the "what ifs" and "what should have beens", I remind myself I am in a good place. Do my struggles make me angry/sad/frustrated/doubtful? Yes. I continue to pray that we are blessed again, but if Nora is all we have this family of three is pretty darn lucky.
 
 


 


 
 
 



Friday, August 17, 2012

"Doctor's Orders"

Walking into an operating room is scary stuff. Downright intimidating.  I usually hold it together until I step foot into that room.

The water works start flowing in full force.  I don't know if it's the emotional stress of going over my "not so pretty" obstetrical history for the past few hours with 15 different people or if its the instruments and tools starting me in the face that start the tears. Maybe its the anesthesiologist asking if I have a living will...or the 7 or 8 people shooting orders and medical jargon at each other, but I immediately start crying every time.

I lay down on the gurney sniffing and shaking as the tears silently rolled off my cheeks. The anesthesiologist was already prepping me for the meds.  My OB performing the surgery walked in and saw me...held my hand...looked me in the eyes and said "Katie, you will be okay...don't give up".

I was starting to drift off already and couldn't form the words in response...but in my head I was trying to say "I won't...I won't give up".





Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Never Ending Miscarriage

First of all thank you to all that have visited my blog and offered support, to whomever put my news on LFCA and to my family and friends for the emails and texts.

I wish I could say that everything went great over the weekend and that for once my body did what it was supposed to and responded to the meds to get rid of the sac.

It didn't.

Still in there holding on tight. Hasn't grown since Thursday, but still there clinging to my uterus with what has to be the strongest implantation known to man. If only there was a baby in there.


I have taken four doses (yep, you read that right for those of you who have been through this)  of Misoprostol and nothing. I prepared myself for horrid pain and massive bleeding until it was all gone and nothing. Not even enough bleeding to fill a pad. Unbelievable.

So after doing anything I could to avoid a d & c (since this will be my 3rd) that is what is going to have to happen. I really prayed that after everything else this could just happen naturally for once. Wrong again. Surgery scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. It just seems as though nothing can go right.

At least hopefully then I can move on and begin to heal.


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Few words

There are few words that come when trying to describe what it feels like when you are about to have your 4th miscarriage.

Number 1 on my list right now is anger.

Anger that has been built up for so long, deep in my core and has finally reached the surface.

Pure, raw, seething pain and anger.

I put every ounce of faith that God was with me.  I have been let down yet once again. 

I had a feeling from the beginning. From the second the beta's didn't skyrocket. I prayed that if it were not going to be viable to end it then.

Nope - dragged on for 3 and a half more weeks of anxious purgatory. I guess that's better than waiting until 13 weeks like I usually have to.

No heartbeat. No baby.

I'm tired of it....all of it.

I want to scream and yell and ask God why us??? Why does this keep happening to us? Two loving caring and deserving parents being put through two years of absolute hell.

I got the "these things happen" and "your body can do it" and the standard "this type of loss is usually chromosome issues".

It doesn't make it any better. Any easier.

My body failed me again. Couldn't even give me a hint that things weren't right in there.

Maybe God was with us...maybe this is "His plan" for us like everyone says. I'll tell you what, I have a lot of "soul searching" to do.

I'm tired of waiting. Now I can wait to see if this medicine works and hopefully miscarry everything this weekend. Wait for a period....wait for my plan for the next pregnancy that has already been laid out for me by my doctors...who really don't have any control over any of this. Its not up to them if this works or not. Not up to me or my family.

Pure.  Anger.





Thursday, August 2, 2012

Still Moving Along

Well as usual, I was kept on my toes at this morning's appointment.

While entering the room I was told "you are still early, we are probably not going to see  a heartbeat...but we need to see the yolk sack today." I was brought into one of the 8 ultrasound rooms - and the one with what looks like the oldest machine they have.

She started looking around, then painfully jabbing and then what I feared came out of her mouth. "I can't see anything. It looks like the sac is empty". Of course I had prepared myself for the worst, as most rpl patients do...but then she says, the gestational sac is in such a tough space to scan, let's move next door to a better machine.

So away we went, wrapped in a paper gown and already thinking my next steps. But there it was, clear as day...

A yolk sack and start of the fetal pole, all measuring exactly as they should be.  Everything measuring and looking perfectly. Ahhhhhh.

Continuing all my meds and back next Thursday to check for the heartbeat. It will be amazing if I make it through this without being sent to the looney bin. I don't know why things keeps having to be dramatic! I like things drama free.


I have never been this nervous so early before. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the bad news. I have a looooong way to go, but for this moment, still moving along.

Friday, July 27, 2012

On Edge

I feel like I am constantly waiting for bad news. Every blood test, appointment or phone call is the one that is going to send me reeling to that dreaded place of grief again.

I am completely on edge.

Today's ultrasound left me still standing there. Things were good but it's still so early. The nurse even joked that they torture us by bringing us in so early and often. Ugh - she isn't kidding.

We saw a gestational sac in a perfect spot in my uterus. It was measuring right on target at 5w3d. The tech "thought she saw" a yolk sack but couldn't be sure, so she couldn't count it as one yet. Great. She also saw a little blood in there, far from where the sac is. According to them it's super common and in about 70% of the pregnancies they have. Again, most don't know they have it bc they aren't getting ultrasounds at 5 weeks. it should reabsorb but if I start "bleeding or spotting lightly" don't panic. Right lady. She offered to do an HCG check to help make me feel better. Um, I don't think so, I just stopped obsessing over researching Monday's number.

So according to them, things are looking good for this early in the game. Back again Thursday for another ultrasound.

I don't think I'll ever be able to stand back from this edge.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Quick Sigh Of Relief

Thank you to everyone for all your prayers and such kind words on my last post. I have been so stressed over these numbers...I feel when you have had multiple losses you are always waiting for the bad news...but I can't do anything to change what's going to happen!

I can breathe a quick sigh of relief today...My HCG rose to exactly 1000 yesterday morning. That is a 53 hour doubling time. Again...not perfect, but the nurse was happy with it and I will take it.

So, I will relax for today, but I'm sure the nerves will build back up again for my next step...ultrasound Friday morning. Way too early for a heartbeat, but hopefully they will see a beatiful sac smack in the middle of my new spacious ute.

In the meantime, my "baby" turns three tomorrow. She is a constant reminder that miracles can happen!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Storming the Heavens

What a week.

Many refer to this week as "Beta Hell Week"...Where one sits on pins and needles waiting for the phone to ring and the nurse to dish out your pregnancy fate.

It's an emotionally wrenching place to be and I'm in the thick of it.

A little background for those readers not in the IF community. Your beta measures your hcg (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone. A number over 5 is pregnant and your initial number (in about 85% of normal pregnancies) should double every 2 to 3 days. My particular clinic wants 60% rise in 48 hours. If they start dropping its usually a miscarriage.

Monday's result - hcg 129. Pregnant.

My body allowed for about 2 hours of happiness before worry set in. I had to make sure numbers were doubling. Something that has never been a problem for me before.

Wednesday I was physically shaking I was so nervous. Hcg 215. Not doubling like they normally do. Of course I goo.gled everything imaginable even though the nurse assured me it was fine and it was a 66% rise in 48 hours. I wasn't being too positive. I had to go for another draw Friday.

Today I was calm as can be. I had prayed and told myself "it is what it is" and there is nothing else I can do. I saw my nurse at the clinic this a.m. and we had a good talk about how we can't obsess over the numbers and they are going up, etc. I was angry. 3 late miscarriages, an early chemical, and now this? Today's level up to 395. About an 85% increase or doubling time of 55 hours. My nurse assured me this was okay and to take a deep breath. To me its much better but I'm not out of the woods yet. I will be returning Monday for hopefully my last one.

Monday 129
Wednesday 215 - 66 hr doubling time
Friday 395 - 55 hour doubling time

Pregnant, for now. It's even hard to type. I am scared. Nervous that this will once again be ripped out from under me. The betas are making this even more stressful as now I'm worried about them. They usually skyrocket and more than double for me, but again - that doesn't always work out either. Plus, most women who just get pregnant at home don't even have a clue as to what their numbers might be.

When I first started this blog my only reservation was that since I opened it to friends and family then people would know when I got pregnant. I wouldn't be able to hide it. I've told people right away before, I've tried to hide the obvious growing belly, I've fake drank, etc. all for the sake of not having to "untell" and I usually "untell" anyways.  My struggles are no means a secret, but I am especially very guarded about everything going okay this time.


When talking about this with my Mom and Aunt Mary Ann one day my aunt said "Katie you will have that many more people praying for you. We will storm the heavens".

Well it's time to storm the heavens. Please pray that this turns out okay and that I can find ways to handle my fears. That I am given strength to keep fighting this no matter what happens.  We have been through so much. I do ask that if you do know real life not to discuss it with me unless its through email or commenting on here. I also wish not to pass this info like I'm a regular newly pregnant person. I am not. I am far from it, and obviously can't put a "please keep it a secret clause" on here when its a public blog...but please keep in mind what I am going through. My fears are escalated even more now with these lazy beta numbers.

But for now, or at least until Monday, pregnant - and starting my first Loven.ox injection tonight.....Now, please "go storm the heavens" for me...

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Beta Tomorrow

First off, thank you to everyone for your emails, messages and comments telling me your experience with blood thinners. I have an appt. with my doctor on Tuesday to talk more about Loven.ox. I will be able to talk to him about my concerns and discuss more about the side effects then. I do feel better about it though!

Next on my list is my beta blood draw tomorrow. I will be glued to my phone anxiously awaiting the results from my nurse. You know, like checking the phone 87 times to make sure I didn't miss a call...that the ringer is on...and I have a good signal. For those of you not familiar with fertility terms, this will tell me if I'm pregnant or not and what my progesterone levels are. Big stuff and I am praying this cycle worked. I know though that even the most perfect of cycles do not necessarily mean pregnancy. Nothing else to do now except get my blood taken, pray, and wait.



Monday, July 9, 2012

He "lovs" me...he "lovs" me not

Loven.ox
The injectable drug used to thin the blood and prevent clots from forming. Many times after a second or third loss the doctor will run an rpl panel and find either an inherited or acquired blood clotting disorder. I've been tested twice and nothing abnormal found in me or in the placentas. Doctors will sometimes use loved.ox or other blood thinners with unexplained patients like me, believing there is an undiscovered or undiagnosed clotting issue. Tiny clots form over time in the umbilical cord, etc and slowly stop the fetus from growing.

I was told after my second miscarriage to take a baby aspirin next time and if it happened again we may need to look into taking blood thinners...so when it happened again I just assumed that is the course I would take. After all, surely something needs to be done differently since the chances of having 3 losses in a row after ten weeks is under 1% (how's that for my super awesome statistical luck)?

Well, after the last loss I went to that rpl specialist and her words were "if it happens again we will look into thinners." Excuse me? How many more times do I have to have to go through this? These losses are at the second trimester, and they are missed miscarriages which is another indication of clotting issues. That did not settle well with me.

So I went back to my RE who mentioned Loven.ox when he did my septum removal. He now is really reluctant to give it to me because of the risk of stroke and I have nothing on paper to say I absolutely need it. The risk is very low, but then again so is my situation I'm in now...and he says if he keeps dishing it out someone is going to be the one with that happening. I understand his point. My OB thinks I need it and I have yet to meet the MFM I will have when pregnant for their opinion. I lose sleep over it. I feel like I really need to be on it because I don't want to look back if it happens again and think "what if I took it?" I can't help but keep thinking these miscarriages are not happening early. We always see strong heartbeats. I have to do something....but there is the other part of me that is scared. I am a Mom first, and I need to stay healthy for my daughter. I am constantly thinking about it. I know it's not an easy drug to take. Injecting my stomach everyday, bruising, etc...but I feel like I have to do something...something has to be happening and I just have a hard time sitting back the next time.

Anyone in "blogger land" take blood thinners despite no known clotting issues? Or know anyone who does? I worry about this constantly, and will speak more to the docs when I get pregnant again. Although I'm happy there is nothing found that's majorly wrong sometimes I just wish there was something concretely fixable.

Ahhhh big decisions....

Monday, July 2, 2012

IUI - Take 2

Well those little ovaries finally listened to my plea. They cooperated and when I went in Saturday they were just about ready. I triggered last night and am taking it easy now as I had my IUI this morning. Great numbers and my nurse that I love was able to do the IUI for me! We has a good old laugh while my legs were in the stirrups at how once you enter the world of IF nothing is private anymore.

It can take a bit to get used to the idea that you are making a baby with so many other people and factors involved and not in the privacy of your own bedroom. That worry has been out of my head for years, but as I sat in the waiting room I continued to be amazed at the amount of women going down this same road. The emotional marathon where you and your husband aren't the only runners. Doctors, nurses, phlebotimists, ultrasound techs, embryologists....it's dizzying to even think how many people it takes. I sat for over an hour waiting for the sperm to be prepared and I would guess at least 75 women walked in for different appts in those 60 minutes. It floors me. New patients coming in with their heads down, totally unaware of the roller coaster they are about to get on. Older IF veterans on a mission with their arms full of band-aids and scars from years of bloodwork. It's seriously a revolving door of couples all leaving their comfort zones to get the ultimate prize.

My not so private moment this week? When my nurse asked me Saturday "when the last time I cleaned my husbands tubes out"...in front of my Mother. Not much embarrasses me when it comes to this stuff but holy smokes I almost died. We have had a good laugh about it...I just have to keep my eye on the prize.

Now come on swimmers, find that egg!

Monday, June 25, 2012

A Letter To My Ovaries

Dear Ovaries,

We sure do have a love/hate relationship, don't we?  When I see that smiley face pop up on the digital sticks and my temperature rise I want to jump with joy and hug you. That is such a great feeling, that you are working great and doing your job. Thank you for being there and for when you do send that egg reeling down my fallopian tubes.

But we need to have a little discussion.

I know you have been diagnosed as being polycystic. I can see for myself that little "string of pearls" on you that every doctor seems to point out. It seems to me that this has caused you two to be the laziest ovaries I have ever seen. I know you have been poked and prodded and worked to death in there but do you think you can speed things up a bit each month? Its CD 21 and still nothing. Back on CD 18 I went in to take a peek (thanks to another false lh surge) and only a 10 mm hanging out in you. What is the deal? I have even endured the hormonal wackiness and terrible night sweats of increasing my Clomid...and have been on lookout for the nearest bathroom ever since I went back on the Metformin for you. I also have been pushing the stroller every morning running 4 or so miles to try and get you to work better. Don't you feel the love?

I never thought in a million years I'd see this much of you (it sure is expensive to keep this up)...but I am going back again tomorrow to see if you've pulled some slack and produced any follicles worth triggering. Please please please start behaving so we can get the ball rolling.

...Then I can have a nice little discussion with my uterus...

Monday, June 18, 2012

Calendar Dates

The date is here. My final due date to pass.
June 18th..the day after Father's Day...the day I would have delivered.
I can still see the star I had drawn on this date in my planner. Too nervous to write "baby due" as if I were to jinx myself. I can see where I furiously erased it through the tears in the days after my D&C.

I constantly have calendar dates running through my head. Due dates, conception dates, loss dates, appt dates - you name it and this pretty little brain of mine has it engraved in its memory.  The last two due dates came and I was already pregnant again - not this time. Maybe that's why it stings just a little more. Maybe its because I remember thinking in September when I got pregnant how far away June was...and now it's here.

I slapped a smile on my face yesterday for Father's Day but today I woke up wishing to just press the fast forward button for a day. I can still picture the baby I would have been having. Heart beating away, waving at me, perfect profile and cutest little nose. Gone ten days later.



I know this is a bad picture, but its all I have. This was 11 weeks, 2 days and the last ultrasound I saw the baby moving and waving. It's hand is at the top next to the head.



Its just so scary to me still because its happened 3 times and they can't find anything wrong. Nothing wrong means nothing to fix if there is a next time.

Today is here, I can't escape it so I will keep busy with my best friend.  Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that I don't have to go through this again. On to tomorrow...

Monday, June 11, 2012

Here we go again... Its CD7

They say you're supposed to just have intercourse to get pregnant?
I must have missed that memo!


I have read and followed other blogs that take a picture in the beginning of their cycles of all that they need.  Once you lay it all out on one table it sure looks like a lot. And I'm only on a Clomid cycle - nothing in comparison to the "big guns" of infertility.

Clomid 100 mg day 3-7
Met 850 2x/day
Baby Aspirin 1/day
Folic Acid 3x/day
PreNatals
Basal Thermometer
Fertility Monitor
Digital Ovulation Tests (Monitor will often miss my lh surge)
Trigger Shot (after ok from nurse based on follicle scans)
Pre.Seed (to combat side effects of meds)
Progesterone Suppositories
Pregnancy Tests (I prefer the digital...no squinting at lines for this lady)


The chemical pregnancy last month was disappointing, but to be honest I didn't have a good feeling about it. I am more angry that the first 2 cycles this time around were a bust and ruined by the other RE.

Sometimes when people make comments like "my husband sneezes/coughs/stands around me and I get pregnant", it makes me a smidge bitter.  I highly doubt my husband sneezing, coughing or standing around me will ever get me pregnant so until then, I will endure all that is pictured above. It stinks, but you know what? It will all be worth it....I know it will.




Monday, June 4, 2012

Results

- Chemical Pregnancy
               - Early Miscarriage
                          - Pregnant one day and not the next

Whatever you want to call it, that's what's happening.

Pregnancy #5 ended just as quickly as it began. Pregnant on Saturday's digital test......not pregnant on Sunday's.

One would think I'd been through enough when it comes to having another baby...apparently not. I can now add this to my list.

HCG down to 6. Have to call my nurse when I start my period to make sure its at 0. We will then discuss next cycle and upping Clomid to 100mg.

Why is this so easy for some and so hard for others?







Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I should be

I've got a case of the I should be's today. I think like this often, more than I'd like to admit.
I'm admitting it today.

I should be celebrating my one year old's birthday this week.

I should be sitting here with my five month old.

I should be 36 weeks 2 days along, with a c section scheduled June 18th.

It brings me to tears often for all that has been lost. It brings me to embrace what I have been given.
It makes me remind myself God had a plan for me.
No symptoms this week. Will test this weekend and if not pregnant going to have a big talk with my nurse about being more aggressive.

God has a plan. I try and live in the moment, but I am always aware of what should be.... 

Monday, May 21, 2012

The Little Ovary That Could...

What a weekend.

Friday's scan showed that my follie grew! It was about 21 mm (CD 23) and I got another positive on my OPK that morning. So after running downtown for my scan...then to work...then home again... I talked to my nurse that afternoon and they wanted me to trigger that night.

Apparently there are only 2 pharmacies in Chicago that carry the trigger shot on their shelves. They are both downtown. So back into the city I went on Friday - during rush hour - on NA / TO weekend - with my Dad driving me. I was nervous about the road closures, protestors, etc. Nothing like starting out your weekend having your Dad drive you to pick up your fertility meds and having your Mom inject them in you, right?

So with my husband's crazy work schedule with all the protestors in the city things were a little stressful but we squeezed in an IUI Saturday morning. All went well.

About ten days ago I thought I was out for this cycle. That "little ovary that could" worked its magic and here I am starting my two week torture wait. Fingers crossed!



Monday, May 7, 2012

Manic Monday

So let's take a stoll back to Saturday night.  I totally started having noticible ovaries and I could tell something was going on. I thought, "holy smokes, something for sure is happening in there". I happily went about my night thinking that the -I will rip your head off in a moments notice- rage and crabbiness given by the Clomid this month was worth it...this was going to be MY month to get pregnant again.
Fast forward to this morning, when that little wonderful smiley face popped up on my OPK telling me "this is it - another picture perfect CD 14 ovulation".
My husband and I hopped in the car and off to the RE we went with visions of ripened follicles dancing in my head.
Not so much.
One piddly 13 mm on my left ovary and multiple 10's hanging out on the right.
That's not the only kicker. I have a small amount of fluid in my uterus...'not good' according to the doctor as she jabbed the wand at my innards while shaking her head in disappoinment at my bodies reaction to the upped dosage. Apparently this fluid can impede on implantation and I will definitely be lowering my dose back down next month.
Cue the tears as I sat in her office frustrated and confused. How could I have a lh surge with such small follicles? Now I can't even rely on those? What the heck is with the fluid? And the ovulation pain? And the giant random temp spike this morning with no signs of ovulation on the ultrasound?
She didn't count me out for the cycle, but it doesn't sound good.
I put a call into the nurse to see if I can get in again this week to check on that follicle and see if the fluid magically disappeared. Of course she didn't call me back.

It kinda feels like I walked under a ladder while a black cat crossed my path after spilling salt on the mirror I just cracked on Friday the 13th.

Bad luck can't last forever.  

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Other Half

Often times "the other half" of this infertility/loss equation is forgotten about. Everyone asking, "how is Kate doing?" I can even get wrapped up in all these appointments and medicines and research that I too forget how my husband is doing. Afterall, he has been through more in the 4 years of our marriage than we ever thought we would have.
He will the first to admit that it is different for him than me, I had a greater connection to the babies than him. I know he has some scars on his heart from all of this...

He was at work when he got a phone call from his wife telling him his baby had no heartbeat anymore...three times.
He had to watch doctors deliver his baby that came way too soon.
He has sat with me surgery after surgery...knowing what sadness the days and weeks to come would bring us.
He has had to call the funeral homes and make arrangements for the remains when I was too fragile to take care of it.
He hears me sobbing into the pillows some nights when I doubt myself and the strength we have to continue.
He has to find the words to make me feel better when I get news of another pregnancy announcement or as each due date comes and goes.
He has to be the strong half when I am not.

He had told me many times that if we only have Nora that is fine and we will be happy and focused on what God has given us rather than what we don't have. I know he means it...but seeing him with her and the bond they have makes me want another that much more.

We have been warned by doctors that this can tear marriages apart. We have been told to seek counseling if we need it.  I know we didn't expect to be going through this but I feel just the opposite.
 It has made us stronger.



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One of my favorite blogs Our Pathway to Parenthood nominated me for the "One Lovely Blog" award. This is one of my favorite blogs (she also was born with a septum) that really inspires me that I am on the right path. Thank You!

One of the rules to this away is that you have to write 7 random facts about yourself and then nominate blogs you seem fit. Here are my random facts and nominations coming soon!
1. I am left handed
2. I went to the largest all girls high school in the country
3. I enjoy running (these days its more like jogging) in my free time
4. I am an only child
5. My singing sounds like nails on a chalkboard
6. I'd rather watch paint dry than watch a soccer game
7. I like to read at night and am currently on book 3 of the "Fifty Shades" trilogy...I know, scandalous.









Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A Lesson In Colors

Things that are WHITE:

Milk

Clouds in the sky

Polar Bears

Santa's Beard

Vanilla Ice Cream

Ghosts

My Pregnancy Test This Morning

I couldn't even pretend there was a second line. Even if I bent it, held it next to the window, tore open the plastic or held it under a magnifying glass.

Month 3 of Clomid will begin soon, upping the dose and still waiting for that elusive second line.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bummed.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

629.81

629.81
The code that nobody wants.
The diagnostic code labeled on all my charts, all my paperwork, all my bills and insurance claims.
Habitual Aborter.
Whoever thought of that label for patients is cruel and I'd love just five minutes to ask them what the heck they were thinking when they decided to create that term when diagnosing someone. As if dealing doctors throwing around terms like "Recurring Fetal Demise" isn' bad enough you have the words "habitual aborter" thrown in your face and on all of your paperwork.
I could cross it out, dump white out over it, or try to delete it but it will always be there now.
What an ugly term for an ugly diagnosis.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Easter Bunny's Gift





My follicle scan this morning revealed that the Easter Bunny left me one nice looking 18 mm egg on my right ovary. I can feel it actually so I knew there was going to be something there. My lining looked thick and Doc said I will ovulate within the next two days. I could see the lh line starting to appear on my monitor sticks this morning too. Hopefully she is right again.  I will admit, to go from 45-60 day cycles to ovulating around 14 like regular women sure is nice! She also said I could switch from the Endometrium suppositories (costing us about 115 bucks for  3 weeks) to Prometrium suppositiores which will be nicer on the pocketbook. The Clomid was a lot easier to handle this month and I won an insurance battle over a $5,000 bill for my initial consult back in January. I'm on Spring Break and have a great weekend ahead with familiy for my cousin's wedding weekend. To sum it all up - Things are looking good!

Happy Spring!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Going Up?

You step in...the doors close behind you.
The numbers are all lit 1-40 and there is light music cascading through the air around you.
You are on an elevator headed to a very important meeting on the 40th floor...and you don't want to be late. You push 40 thinking it will be smooth sailing all the way up. The elevator starts going up and then it happens. The lights go out, the elevator stops and the doors open on the 14th floor. But you can't get out here...this isn't your final destination. The doors close and you head back to 1.
Well that must have been a fluke, right? All the other elevators seem to be working...bringing their passengers straight up to 40...what's the matter with this one?

Hmm you try again...this time the second you hit the 12th floor the music begins to get garbled and the elevator comes to a screeching halt. What do you do? Do you get out and say forget the meeting? No, you need to be there, you know how important it is.

This time you call the maintenance man...he checks everything out. "Elevators working fine Miss" he says. This ride is different. Your hearts racing a little faster, your looking for things wrong with your new elevator..and you frantically push 40 while shutting your eyes and wishing you could just zap straight to the top. Only you have no control over this elevator. 11th floor and its doors open wide forcing you to exit.
You have to start at the bottom...again...while watching all the other elevators bring passenger after passenger straight to 40.
How many times do you have to get back on and push 40 before the elevator takes you there?

Recurring Pregnancy Loss is like being stuck on an elevator while it dumps you off on random floors when you just desperately want to get to 40.

Looks like I'll be taking the stairs.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Teeter Totter

I often think to myself that I am on a teeter-totter. One day I'm sad about the miscarraiges and all I am enduring and the next I am just so happy that I was able to get pregnant with and have Nora. Today is one of those days that I am just so happy to have her.
After my 2nd miscarriage last June, my sister in law gave me this "blessings bracelet".

 Each time you put it on you are supposed to think of 4 things you are blessed with...one for each bead. I wore it to work on purpose this morning as I felt I needed to recognize some things I am grateful for and these are just four of the many blessing I have other than the obvious (Nora, husband, friends, family, etc).
So here is what I thought of this morning:

1. I am blessed that I was able to watch my Goddaughter be born. She is my best friend's daughter and was born on my birthday. Since I was having a c section with Nora about three weeks later it was truly a special day. Since I will more than likely never have a vaginal birth it was the best gift I have ever been given to watch her be born. Then I was asked to be her Godmother and couldn't have been happier. She is one of the funniest kids I have ever met and I am so lucky to have her.

2. I am blessed that I am able to work part time. I am so grateful that I am able to job share and teach in the a.m. so I am home by noon with Nora. It has never been done in my district so I am so grateful that it was approved and I am able to spend such precious time with my daughter. The years with her are flying by!

3. I am blessed that we are financially able to take the measures we have to try for another successful pregnancy. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments and doctor bills are plentiful these days.  I couldn't imagine those going through this who are not able to seek treatment because they cannot afford it.

4. I am blessed for my Aunt M. A. I am very close with her and my cousins and thank God we are all here and healthy. I don't often get a chance to tell her how blessed I am to have her...but I often think it.

I think it's important that we can all take a minute each day to be thankful for something positive in our lives. It helps us stay focused on the good things since negativity creeps up on us so easily. My hope is that everyone reading this will stop for a second and think of at least one thing they are blessed with.
Not soon after this the teeter totter easily flipped the other way as I couldn't help myself form peeing on a stick this morning.  Not pregnant - just some super awesome progesterone side effects playing tricks on me.  I have to wait until Monday to call my nurse and get her directions on the next cycle. Stay tuned.

Up and down, up and down. So blessed and yet so anxious.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Score

I would have lost the bet.

Dr. S. - 1      Katie - 0

She was exactly right. Exactly 5 days after my ultrasound I got my LH surge. I have never ovulated this early in a cycle before (CD 15). Even with my metformin/clomid IUI in 2009 it was CD 25. So as you can imagine I was happily surprised. Now let the waiting begin...

In other thoughts, I have been thinking about someone who touched my life without even knowing it. I met her for about three minutes back in September. I have no idea who she is and will never see her again, but I think about her often and wonder how she is doing. It was back at the Fertility Center and I had just finished my 2nd beta for the last pregnancy. When checking out at the desk the receptionist congratulated me on my pregnancy as now I was covered by insurance. I discreetly said thank you as I noticed a woman waiting in line about ten feet behind me. At that time I obviously did not know I would miscarry and felt bad having anyone still in the trenches of IF hearing about my success.
So fast forward to the parking garage as I am paying my ticket and the women in line behind me comes up and congratulates me as she overheard my discussion at the desk. Her eyes immediately filled with tears as she told me she just had her 3rd failed IVF attempt. She had no children. She asked if this was my first pregnancy and I told her "no actually my 4th but its a long story and I have a long road ahead of me". She said "I would give anything to be pregnant".  I told her I would pray for her - she looked like she had lost hope. I never thought I'd still be thinking of her today.

My heart broke for her. The look of desperation and such pure, raw sadness in her eyes is what I often think about. How this horrible disease has so many people under its spell. Its just not fair.
I think about if she kept going, if she tried again and if she will beat her battle. I wonder if she held on to any hope she had left as sometimes that four letter word likes to quickly leave our lives. I just want to scream it sometimes..ITS JUST NOT FAIR!

On that day back in September I didn't think I'd have lost that baby too. I didn't think that I'd once again be praying for a positive beta. I'm still holding on to my hope!

Onto my 2ww...


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Green Light...GO


Well I've got the green light.
The Dr. came in herself to do my ultrasound. I couldn't believe she was coming in again, but apparently she is very hands on and wants to be paged every time one of her patients has anything done so she can do it herself. She said things look great for CD 10. I have 2 dominant follicles on the left ovary both measuring about 11 mm. She is estimating I will get my LH surge in five days. I wanted to bet her on it, but didn't think challenging her to a gamble was appropriate... My guess would be in about 10 days, but we shall see.

The pathology report was in...and again no answers. There was no found cause of death for the babies. Since nothing indicates blood clotting issues she is not putting me on blood thinners at this time. She said we would revisit that issue if God forbid I have it happen again. Although she has said there are no guarantees she is staying positive for this next time. Once I get a positive test she wants to monitor me very closely herself. Then if I make it that far I will be off to a High Risk OB at about 14 weeks or so. I have a lot of steps until I get to that point, so I don't want to get ahead of myself. Sometimes the "what ifs" can really get to me.

So for now its just monitoring in the next week or two followed by some progesterone twice a day after my surge.  I'm scared but ready to face this.

And for the record..the Clomid has made me borderline craaaazy. I am on an emotional roller coaster this week...and just trying to ride it out. At least I warned my friends it was coming!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Deep Breath...Its CD1


CD1 (Cycle Day 1)
A fresh start.
Part of me is a little torn since we are still waiting on those test results on the tissue but I am ready to try again. I will begin the Clomid on Thursday. Let's hope I can bypass the hormonal craziness and moodiness associated with the drug. I don't THINK it affected me that bad last time, well..maybe I should ask my husband. At least I can just "blame it on the hormones".
I go back to Dr. Stephenson on the 15th to check to see how my follicles are responding to the meds and to go over results and a plan. A little frustrating b/c I know my body and I know on day 10 nothing will be happening yet but they still want me to come in. I hope she does let me try this cycle and she doesn't change her mind b/c all the tests may not be in - if that's the case all bets are off on any hormonal outbursts or fits of rage in her office.

So now I need to take a deep breath and get ready to get this ball rolling yet once again.
I know I can carry a baby full term. I know I can get pregnant on my own. I just have to get these two things to work together . I am armed with a full stock of OPK's so I'll just have to wait and pray...

Since before Nora I have worn these two medals pinned to my bra everyday. I never take them off.

The one on the left is a "miracle" medal from Mexico, given to me by my sister in law. The one on the right is a medal of St. Gerard, the patron saint of expectant Mothers. My Mom also wore one everyday while pregnant with me. Prayer is keeping me going.
I fall asleep every night praying the rosary. It gives me a sense of calm. I of course give thanks for what I have been given... for Nora, for my family, and for our health. I have found that a key word in much of my prayer is UNEVENTFUL.  I pray hard in asking that I am able to get pregnant again, for an uneventful pregnancy, a smoothe delivery and hospital stay, and a healthy full term baby to take home. Even with Nora my hospital stay and first ten days with her were full of stress and worry. (I'll have to digress on that another day). 
I pray that I can find strength in the days ahead. To give me some sense of calm, that it will all be okay no matter how things turn out. Afterall, now it's not in my hands anymore. There is only so much I can do and the rest of out of my control. It's in God's hands and all I can do is pray and let my journey unfold.
Ahhhhhhh....Deep Breath....... 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Just Try Not To Think About It

Over the past three years I've had quite a number of people tell me, "just try not to think about it and it will happen"....or "don't let it take over your life". This isn't as easy as it seems, especially since the second I open my eyes the reality of the situation hits me. The first thing I have to do every morning is stick my hand out from under my blankets, grab the thermometer and take my temperature. This is before I even utter a word, move, or open my mouth...and within the same fifteen minute time frame each morning.
After that its off to the bathroom to empty the contents of my bladder onto a stick where I then plug it into a machine to tell me where I'm at in terms of ovulation. I better make sure I didn't drink too much water the night before because that means lying there hoping my bladder doesn't implode while I wait for the 15 minute window to arrive.
Next is off to my laptop where I enter my temps and chart my BBT's before I forget them. Last on my morning list is heading over to my old lady pill box where I start taking my meds for the day...they have to be taken with breakfast or I'll be sick to my stomach all morning.
And these are only the things I do before 7 a.m.
Every single day.
Kind of hard not to think about all of this when this is how I get up every morning. Of course I'm used to the routine by now, but I will never "not think about it". People struggling with infertility or miscarriages have to think about it...because they have to be our own advocates. In our cases that little stork just doesn't drop that baby wrapped in a blanket off at our doorstep. We're not talking about getting a new shirt at the mall or changing the oil in my car...we're talking about having a baby and adding to our family. So I'm not going to "relax" or "not think about it" as many people oh so kindly suggest.
I wish I didn't have to but I think about it all the time. I always will.
Every. Single. Day.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Good News...I guess?

I just got back from my jam packed day with Dr. Stephenson. I really really hope this is the last of any testing or uterine procedures I have for a while. The lower half of my anatomy sure has been on a hell ride the last few years!
First on my plate was the hysteroscopy/biopsy where she got up close and personal in my uterus clicking away with her camera. I opted for no meds, since I had an ultrasound and follow up with her afterward and wanted to be coherent and not have to rely on my husband for all the details. I could only imagine what he'd tell me if that were the case!
Everything looked great. I had a small "bridge" as she called it where my septum was removed but its vascular and definitely nothing to remove during a surgery. Phew! Minimal scar tissue, large uterine cavity, and I do NOT have PCOS. I had plenty of follicles on both ovaries and a think uterine lining.
All of my blood work is normal. No blood clotting issues, no thyroid issues and everything looks great on paper. But we are still missing some pieces of the puzzle. She needs the chromosome / pathology results from the miscarriages. They just received them this week and will be sent to CA now. If there was clotting in the placentas then I will be on heparin and if not....well that means there is nothing medically wrong with me that I can't carry a baby full term. But that also means that there is nothing to change as far as a plan for me.
So here are my next steps:
Folic Acid 3xday
PreNatals
Baby Aspirin 81mg
Clomid 25 mg starting day 3 of my next period, which should be in two weeks from now. Go figure...my luck again...the only time I've ovulated on my own without meds in my entire reproductive career was yesterday..when I am benched from getting pregnant.
I'll go on day 10-12 of next cycle for a follicular ultrasound and follow up with her to get the results of those remaining tests. We will then discuss what will happen if I do get pregnant again. So I guess the good news is that so far there is nothing majorly wrong...but I can't stop from thinking, then why have I miscarried 3 times in a row? Why didn't they make it? I guess I may never know.
I need to get myself into a positive mind frame because I am scared.
I am scared to get pregnant again.