There are few words that come when trying to describe what it feels like when you are about to have your 4th miscarriage.
Number 1 on my list right now is anger.
Anger that has been built up for so long, deep in my core and has finally reached the surface.
Pure, raw, seething pain and anger.
I put every ounce of faith that God was with me. I have been let down yet once again.
I had a feeling from the beginning. From the second the beta's didn't skyrocket. I prayed that if it were not going to be viable to end it then.
Nope - dragged on for 3 and a half more weeks of anxious purgatory. I guess that's better than waiting until 13 weeks like I usually have to.
No heartbeat. No baby.
I'm tired of it....all of it.
I want to scream and yell and ask God why us??? Why does this keep happening to us? Two loving caring and deserving parents being put through two years of absolute hell.
I got the "these things happen" and "your body can do it" and the standard "this type of loss is usually chromosome issues".
It doesn't make it any better. Any easier.
My body failed me again. Couldn't even give me a hint that things weren't right in there.
Maybe God was with us...maybe this is "His plan" for us like everyone says. I'll tell you what, I have a lot of "soul searching" to do.
I'm tired of waiting. Now I can wait to see if this medicine works and hopefully miscarry everything this weekend. Wait for a period....wait for my plan for the next pregnancy that has already been laid out for me by my doctors...who really don't have any control over any of this. Its not up to them if this works or not. Not up to me or my family.
Pure. Anger.
I am so sorry that is keeps happening to you. It makes it so much worse when things happen and we can't understand why.
ReplyDeleteAnger is the only word I can think of. I just found your blog in a search for stories like mine. I suffered my fourth miscarriage in June. Only answer we have is blood clotting issues. It's not even really an answer because my fourth pregnancy ended despite Lovenox and baby asprin. The only words I can offer is that life is so unfair. Four miscarriages and almost five years of trying for a take home baby has taught me that. I'm thinking of you in this incredibly difficult time.
ReplyDeletePlease buy a book called Is your body baby ready by Dr Beer. It may give you a direction what to do next. Find a great immunologist and test your natural killer cells. I am currently on prednisone, clexane and intralipid for immune issues. So far thins look great!
DeleteHope that helps
I'm so very sorry. It isn't fair, not in the least bit. Sending light and love.
ReplyDeleteNoooooo! I am so mad for you right now. Seriously. How is this fair? I just don't get it. I am so incredibly sorry that you have to go through this nightmare again. I know that nothing anyone says will make you feel better right now. Just want to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm so sorry. This just isn't fair. At all. I wish there was something I could say to take your pain away. Sending many virtual ((hugs)) your way.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry :( Absolutely horrible. I know I can't say anything to help. I'm angry for you too. I hate this for you. I hate every bit of it :(
ReplyDeleteAnger is an emotion that I understand very, very well...I'm angry for you and I am so very sorry that you have to endure this pain yet again. Thinking of you. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Please know we are all here for you no matter how you're feeling. Praying that you find peace. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteShit. And every other f-ing swear word there is. I did NOT expect this, and I have tears in my eyes just thinking about how you must be feeling right now. I am so beyond sorry, K, and I feel angry right along with you. I don't understand God's role in any of this business, but if you ever want to talk about it, you already know my unresolved issues are still there and my questions still unanswered. It makes no sense. I don't get it, and I probably never will. My heart hurts for you, dear friend, and despite my current faith issues, my prayers for you will continue! Wish I could hug you in person.
ReplyDeleteI am SO sorry. That freaking BLOWS.
ReplyDeleteI am certainly not the religious type so take this as you will - but you have every right to be pissed at G-d right now. He/She/It can take it. Be pissed.
I'm pissed for you.
I am so sorry for you, for the unfairness of this and the hurt that you are feeling. Be Angry. Be Mad.
ReplyDeleteOH NO! K! I am so so sorry to hear this terribly awful news. I will be thinking of you lots over the next few days. There's just no sense and fairness, and no point in trying to find any.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss! :(
ReplyDeleteOh K. I am so so sorry. And angry alongside you. Huge hugs.
ReplyDeleteCrap! There are no more words. Always praying for you. Always.
ReplyDeleteI heard about your loss on another blog and I am just so so sorry. We're trying to get our 2nd take-home baby as well and I had a miscarriage in April, but I can't imagine the pain of having to go through this three more times. And I'm angry too. Because this is so wrong! It's just not fair. Please know I'm thinking of you and praying for you. ~ hugs ~
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you, this is never easy.... I dislike that you have to go through this, you are not alone.... I'm so sorry....
ReplyDeleteI am so, so, so, so sorry. It's posts like yours that make me realize how trivial mine can be. Not that my situation is any fun for me, by any means, and sucks for me in a thousand different ways...but my silver lining is that it's not another life lost.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine what you are going through because I also know what losing heartbeats and burying children is like.
And anger is not even close to how I feel about those situations.
But still...I cannot imagine 4. And being told there's no reason and your body can do it and it's all God's plan.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH>>>>>>
All pat answers from people who just don't have any answers and still, feel they need to offer some.
I know they are well-intentioned, mostly...but just not what you want to hear.
And, as a Christian, the last thing I want to hear is that my babies dying is part of God's plan. I'm not saying that's not a possibility. I'm just saying I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT when my heart is aching over loss and I imagine you don't either.
More, I think people love to throw that out there because it seems like an answer no one has to think about..."Well, it's all God."
Really? Because I fully believe that God purposes things and God allows things and those are two VERY different things.
That said, it makes no difference because your heart still aches. And I am very, very sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
xoxoxo
My heart breaks for you. I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's evident by the outpouring of love in these comments that you are in all of our thoughts and prayers. We are all here for you, many miles and all across the country, but we are here.
ReplyDeleteI just started following you, but wanted to say that I'm so sorry for all your losses. I know there is nothing I can say that will change the awfulness, but just know that everyone here is sending lots of prayers your way <3
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of strength and a ton of love!!!! I'm here if you,Larry or Nora need anything.
ReplyDeleteLove ya...AJ
Oh K. I am so so sorry for yet another loss. It is all so unfair and just makes me want to scream at the world. I am thinking if you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry this happened to you. My thoughts are with you during this time.
ReplyDeleteI am so fucking sorry, and angry for you. There is no way that enduring this hell is part of any loving god's plan. Even before I lost my faith in a creator/interventionist supreme being, I never believed that who had babies and who didnt was some sort of designed thing. if it was, why would so many unfit people become parents so easily, causing misery for their children through abuse and worse, while loving, committed couples were unable to reproduce? it comes down to biology, which isnt
ReplyDeletecomforting either when our bodies refuse to cooperate.
i dont know why this keeps happening, but it is bloody unfair and i hate it for you. have a big glass of wine tonight and know that there are lots of us virtually holding your hand through this.
I am so extremely sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOh no. My heart dropped when I read this. I'm so, so sorry. I'm in disbelief that this is happening to you again. You have every reason to be angry. It is so unfair.
ReplyDeleteI hope this weekend is as painless physically as it can be. I know it is going to be hard. Sending you lots of love.
No words... no words, except that I'm so deeply sorry for the anger, sadness and pain in your heart. I know that feeling, i know it all to well. My heart aches for you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, K. This is just heartbreaking. Some things I think we might never understand. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words to ease your pain.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! I've gone through two and there are just no words of comfort. It just is so sad and I will be praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI just realized I never commented on this post...I am so so sorry. No one should have to go through this much loss. Thinking of you and hope you can somehow find the strength to pick up the pieces...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry I have not posted earlier. I am so so so sorry for your loss! I am thinking of you and sending lots of (((hugs))). I wish there was more I could do or say. My heart is broken for you!
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry. There are no words. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI have no comforting words. I am angry for you too. I totally understand the soul searching. This effing sucks!!!
ReplyDeleteHere from LFCA to offer my sympathy and share your anger. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI share that seething anger with you. It is rooted in our bellies and grows stronger with each tear, scream, and empty explanation. I am sitting silently with you, waiting it out to see if the storm breaks first or if we do.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry this is happening to you again. You're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW. I just had a loss and can't imagine going through my 4th. One thing that did help me was the concept (from Judaism) that every being/soul is placed on this earth to accomplish something -- and keeps returning until that accomplishment is met. A miscarriage, then, is related to a soul (the embryo) that only had a very tiny mission and has already completed it, so now it is free to move on to the next place (heaven, if you believe). Because that soul was very close to perfection to begin with -- most of us have millions and millions of things to accomplish!! -- it can only be carried in a very holy place. It takes a special person to provide the opportunity for that particular soul to finish its mission and move on. G-d hasn't given up on you, His focus is just on finding the right place for the little being who spent a couple weeks with you.
ReplyDeleteGranted, that doesn't take away the anguish. I'd rather G-d gave me an imperfect soul with a million things to do, so it would stick around! But it's a comforting though to me nonetheless. Hope it helps you a little bit.