There are few words that come when trying to describe what it feels like when you are about to have your 4th miscarriage.
Number 1 on my list right now is anger.
Anger that has been built up for so long, deep in my core and has finally reached the surface.
Pure, raw, seething pain and anger.
I put every ounce of faith that God was with me. I have been let down yet once again.
I had a feeling from the beginning. From the second the beta's didn't skyrocket. I prayed that if it were not going to be viable to end it then.
Nope - dragged on for 3 and a half more weeks of anxious purgatory. I guess that's better than waiting until 13 weeks like I usually have to.
No heartbeat. No baby.
I'm tired of it....all of it.
I want to scream and yell and ask God why us??? Why does this keep happening to us? Two loving caring and deserving parents being put through two years of absolute hell.
I got the "these things happen" and "your body can do it" and the standard "this type of loss is usually chromosome issues".
It doesn't make it any better. Any easier.
My body failed me again. Couldn't even give me a hint that things weren't right in there.
Maybe God was with us...maybe this is "His plan" for us like everyone says. I'll tell you what, I have a lot of "soul searching" to do.
I'm tired of waiting. Now I can wait to see if this medicine works and hopefully miscarry everything this weekend. Wait for a period....wait for my plan for the next pregnancy that has already been laid out for me by my doctors...who really don't have any control over any of this. Its not up to them if this works or not. Not up to me or my family.