Thursday, February 9, 2012

My Blessing and My Nightmare...

Step 1 - Get Married
Step 2 - Get Pregnant
Step 3 - Have a baby and live happily ever after
Repeat steps 2 and 3
Sounds easy, right? Not so much for me.
When I completed "Step 1" in 2007 I never imagined my TTC journey would take me to where I'm at now - a spot in the "Recurrent Pregnancy Loss" Program with one of the top specialists in the country. I want to document for myself what I went through and where I will go on this journey. I find comfort and assurance in reading other's stories so I finally drummed up the courage to put my own out there.What a journey its been so far.  Here's where it all began...
My husband and I got married in fall of 2007 and I immediately stopped my birth control. I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy for me to get pregnant. I was right. Fast forward 9 months later and I still wasn't ovulating. 60 day cycles combined with a abnormally shaped uterus diagnosed after a HSG got me a ticket straight to Dr. L at the fertility center. Stress and anxiety towards getting pregnant immediately entered my life. I was diagnosed with mild PCOS and a temporary diagnosis of "bicornuate uterus"  after some preliminary tests. I was told if I did get pregnant I could be at risk for miscarriage or preterm labor.

It was my first IUI with a Clomid and Metformin mix that I became pregnant. Relief. Happiness. Nervousness. It was a textbook perfect pregnancy ending with a C Section and my beautiful daughter, Nora. 7lb. 8oz. You always hear people say they never thought they could love something so much, but its true. She is my blessing.

A little over a year later my husband and I decided to try for another, since of course in my head I already envisioned having trouble conceiving. I certainly have had my fill of trouble, but not in the way that I had originally thought.
Pregnancy #2 happened quickly, and I was only taking Metformin so I didn't need any interventions with Dr. L. I was nervous as usual, but things were progressing normally with great looking heartbeats and ultrasounds through 12 weeks. We stuck Nora in a Big Sister shirt and told all our family and friends. Everything was roses and daisies until I went in for my 16 week appt and they couldn't find a heartbeat on the dopplar. I immediately went into panic mode and they wisked me next door to the ultrasound room. She put the wand on my belly and immediately fell silent. It was like I was in a dream...totally removed from the situation and in disbelief as I sat and stared at the baby lying still on the screen. I was alone. I wanted to go home and hug Nora and never let her go. Questions came flooding out...why me? what happened? was it something I did? and to be honest one of my first reactions was, when can I get pregnant again? The baby stopped growing at close to 14 weeks and my Dr. recommended having an induction and delivery since once the fetus reaches a certain point, D & C's become more tricky and dangerous. My husband and I spent the night in the hospital and at 6:30 the next morning I delivered the baby. I didn't want to look, I didn't want to hold it. I just wanted it to be over.  When the priest came into bless the baby both he and the nurses repeatedly asked me if I was sure I didn't want to hold it. I insisted "no" because I just wanted to move on. They warned me that I may regret my decision later and they were right. I regret it. In hindsight I would have looked so that I would have the memory of our baby on that day.
Six weeks from then I met with my ob/gyn to discuss what happened. I will now refer to him as "Dr. Bad Luck" since seemed to be his answer for everything. Nothing came back abnormal on the pregnancy loss panel. Cells were not able to grow on the fetus for chromosome testing.  I was told it was a case of bad luck and to try again. Don't they know I am a planner? I like to have things planned and follow them. I like to know what's wrong so I can fix it. This was not in my plan! But I accepted it and thought that this surely couldn't happen again, right? Wrong again...

I became pregnant for the third time rather quickly again while on Metformin alone. This time I hid it, only telling my parents and a few best friends. I doubt those who saw me by 12 weeks were fooled, but I was scared to death to have to backtrack and face people if it happened again. We heard the heartbeat loud and clear at the 11 week appointment and when I went back at 13 weeks it was reliving my worst fears all over again. I was by myself  in the room with Dr. Bad Luck and they are having trouble finding a heartbeat. The ultrasound showed the baby stopped growing about 11 weeks. I was floored and shocked. I could NOT believe this was happening again. I sobbed on the phone with my best friend, in disbelief that I was going labor and delivery for a D & C. My husband then had to call his parents and tell them I was pregnant and that I miscarried all in one conversation. I was adamant about getting an answer. I made sure they ran every test and all were normal. No blood clotting issue, no autoimmune problems, normal karyotypes on me and my husband, nothing. I researched online and decided I couldn't sit back and let this keep happening. I made an appt back at the fertility center with Dr. L. What worked the first time with Nora could work again and maybe he could find an answer for me other than back luck. He wanted to take another look at my misshaped uterus. Was it bicornuate (cannot be corrected) or a septum (corrected via surgery)? He believed this was my problem and why I was miscarrying. Finally! An answer to my problem! This could maybe be fixed and all would work out! Or so I thought....


  1. Hear from My Cheap Version of Therapy. Do you know about IComLeavWe? It's a great way to connect with people.

    1. Thanks for the tip...I'll try and check it out this weekend!

  2. Oh wow... I just read and reread this post. I cannot imagine your joy and your loss. I'm glad you started this blog! I agree with AS - IComLeavWe is a great way to meet other bloggers (and maybe even find one with similar issues as you). I look forward to following your story.

    1. Thanks so much! I am going to check it out as I try and figure all this blog stuff out...Its hard to put everything out there but I am glad I am doing this!

  3. So proud of you for putting your story out there. I know this isn't easy for you to do. You have been incredibly strong during this terrible year. I don't know what is going to happen next or when we can look back on all this and close this chapter of your life but we will one day.

    This quote reminded me of your story:

    “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

    No matter what, your friends and family will always be there for you and one day we will be celebrating your happy ending!! I just know it.....

  4. Wow!!! I am so super proud of you! You are brave and strong. This blog is a real gift to all of us that know you. I read every word not once but twice. I keep thinking what a profound effect this blog is going to have on all of us! So please keep writing and I'll keep reading! Your courage is inspiring...