Those going through infertility can understand when I say how much faith and trust and respect we give to our RE. They seem to hold our future families (at least from a scientific aspect) in their hands.
You can understand how hard it was for me to learn that my RE passed away yesterday.
He helped give me my daughter.
He literally held my future in his hands when he performed my septum surgery.
He ran countless tests trying to help find me an answer.
He would hug me and hold my hand when I was scared or mourning another miscarriage.
He would let me cry in his office and then find the words to ease my anxiety.
He told me not to give up...he gave me hope.
He was way more than just a doctor. The tears stream down my cheeks as I remember how much of an impact he had on my life the last four years. How many families he helped...
I pray he is now watching over me in heaven.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Hope
Hope...
So much more than a four letter word.
Hope is the intangible that I need to keep going with all of this and something that I am scared to death of.
It's what wakes me wake up each morning willing myself to keep trying. It's also what makes it hurt that much more if things don't work out.
One minute I feel like hope is just out of reach, and other times I feel like I'm surrounded by it...engulfed in its wings.
So that's where I'm at as 2013 came barreling down on us. Teetering back and forth with hope that this year will be my year.
So much more than a four letter word.
Hope is the intangible that I need to keep going with all of this and something that I am scared to death of.
It's what wakes me wake up each morning willing myself to keep trying. It's also what makes it hurt that much more if things don't work out.
One minute I feel like hope is just out of reach, and other times I feel like I'm surrounded by it...engulfed in its wings.
So that's where I'm at as 2013 came barreling down on us. Teetering back and forth with hope that this year will be my year.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Christmas
The past two years I have spent Christmas choking back tears. Reeling from recent losses and trying to hold it together during a time that is supposed to be "merry and bright".
My prayers tonight are for those whose hearts are aching tonight. Whether from infertility or other reasons, this can be such a tough time for so many. Blessings to all of you....
My prayers tonight are for those whose hearts are aching tonight. Whether from infertility or other reasons, this can be such a tough time for so many. Blessings to all of you....
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Strength Like No Other
You never know when someone from your past is going to come back into your life and make a profound impact on you.
Many people have emailed/written/called telling me what strength I have from all I have been through the last two years. Do I agree with them? Absolutely. Recurring Pregnancy Loss is a tough battle to endure. It has made me strong, for sure.
But because of all this, I have "reconnected" with a friend from high school...who is on a TOTALLY different path than I...but has shown me what strength really is. We weren't even very close in high school, not the bestest of friends...but she has impacted my life far more than she will ever know.
Let me back up my story a bit...
When Nora was born I was blessed with that happy blissful "everything turned out okay and I have a healthy baby in my arms" that everyone imagines when they think of getting pregnant and having a baby.
But 24 hours after my c section that was taken from me.
The nurse came in...my husband wasn't even in the room. I was alone when she said to me, "We have to test your baby for Down's Sydrome". I can't even type it without the tears flowing from my eyes. Remembering that moment is horrifying.
At this point my husband entered the room and I lost it. I mean LOST IT. How could this be? She looked fine to me. Was it a Mother's blind eye to something that was wrong? The doctor said she was healthy. I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.
You see, Nora was born with a Simian Crease (now called Single Palmar Crease) on one hand. Its a marker for Down's Syndrome. Usually on two hands for people with Down's, but combined with other features the nurses called my pediatrician and a chromosome analysis was warrented.
"Its a simple blood test...chromosome count...and we would know the results in 10 days". 10 days.
I shut down. I hid. I analyzed her. We told each other we love her no matter what, but I shunned away all visitors. For ten days I avoided all contact from everyone texting for pictures, face.booking me for details, wanting to stop by for visits. I cried so much I didn't think I would ever pick up the pieces.
While in the doctors appt. for her regular checkup ten days after she was born, I sat and waited for the results. They weren't in. As if it were a scene from a movie, there was a knock at the door and the nurse just picked up the results off the fax machine.
46 XX
She was healthy. I thanked God and I cried a hell of a lot more right there in the office.
**************************************************************
Fast forward to about two years later when I saw this friend from high school, Kerry, announce her pregnancy on facebook. I was pregnant at about at about the same time. I was nervous after my 14 week loss and after I miscarried that pregnancy too I was bitter and angry and I logged off fbook for awhile in order two avoid seeing those pregnant around me continue their happiness without me. When I returned I saw Kerry was close to having the baby. It was hard going back on and seeing it, but I thank God I did.
The day she had her baby is the day she began to touch the lives of so many. You see, that feeling I had for those ten days was her immediate reality moments after her c section. Her beautiful girl was born with Aperts Syndrome, a craniofacial condition affecting the head, feet, and hands. It is rare, affecting about 1 in 160,000 - 200,000 births in the U.S. After a blissful pregnancy the operating room turned quiet and she knew something was wrong. She tells her story of that day so beautifully, I simply cannot put it to words. Her honesty about that day hit home with me....for such a short moment in my life, I knew how she felt. I had her thoughts and knowing that her daughter Mary Cate's diagnosis was forever...not just for ten days... it hung heavy in my heart.
What Kerry did next after such a short time is amazing. She didn't hide. She didn't shun people away or keep her daughter from the world. She rallied her closest family and friends and began educating others on Apert's Syndrome. She has now become a resource for other families with babies having the same diagnosis. She started her beautiful blog and website, My Mary Cate to keep everyone informed and to keep everyone aware of the struggles...and sweet rewards of raising a child with Apert's. Her family and friends had a benefit, where literally thousands came to celebrate the life of her sweet baby girl. It stopped me in my tracks at how so much love and support was in one building.
She literally has taken the entire South Side of Chicago and has brought Mary Cate into our lives. She has educated grammar school students to be accepting of people's differences. She is honest and doesn't sweet talk what it is like dealing with an unknown future of surgeries, doctors appointments and the serious medical issues that come with a diagnosis of Apert's Syndrome. She shows us a true Mother's love for all to aspire to.
She is the major reason I started this blog. I saw how she could open up and knew I needed to do the same about my losses.
To me, she has a strength like no other. Her daughter is a such a blessing to us all, and continues to prevail through her surgeries and with meeting milestones. I am so grateful she started her blog. Grateful that she has opened the eyes of so many and that she shares both the happy and hard times she has....so I can try and pick her up during those tough moments and carry her in my thoughts and prayers like she does for me.
Your path is so different than mine, but I thank you, Kerry for showing me what strength really is.
Many people have emailed/written/called telling me what strength I have from all I have been through the last two years. Do I agree with them? Absolutely. Recurring Pregnancy Loss is a tough battle to endure. It has made me strong, for sure.
But because of all this, I have "reconnected" with a friend from high school...who is on a TOTALLY different path than I...but has shown me what strength really is. We weren't even very close in high school, not the bestest of friends...but she has impacted my life far more than she will ever know.
Let me back up my story a bit...
When Nora was born I was blessed with that happy blissful "everything turned out okay and I have a healthy baby in my arms" that everyone imagines when they think of getting pregnant and having a baby.
But 24 hours after my c section that was taken from me.
The nurse came in...my husband wasn't even in the room. I was alone when she said to me, "We have to test your baby for Down's Sydrome". I can't even type it without the tears flowing from my eyes. Remembering that moment is horrifying.
At this point my husband entered the room and I lost it. I mean LOST IT. How could this be? She looked fine to me. Was it a Mother's blind eye to something that was wrong? The doctor said she was healthy. I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.
You see, Nora was born with a Simian Crease (now called Single Palmar Crease) on one hand. Its a marker for Down's Syndrome. Usually on two hands for people with Down's, but combined with other features the nurses called my pediatrician and a chromosome analysis was warrented.
"Its a simple blood test...chromosome count...and we would know the results in 10 days". 10 days.
I shut down. I hid. I analyzed her. We told each other we love her no matter what, but I shunned away all visitors. For ten days I avoided all contact from everyone texting for pictures, face.booking me for details, wanting to stop by for visits. I cried so much I didn't think I would ever pick up the pieces.
While in the doctors appt. for her regular checkup ten days after she was born, I sat and waited for the results. They weren't in. As if it were a scene from a movie, there was a knock at the door and the nurse just picked up the results off the fax machine.
46 XX
She was healthy. I thanked God and I cried a hell of a lot more right there in the office.
**************************************************************
Fast forward to about two years later when I saw this friend from high school, Kerry, announce her pregnancy on facebook. I was pregnant at about at about the same time. I was nervous after my 14 week loss and after I miscarried that pregnancy too I was bitter and angry and I logged off fbook for awhile in order two avoid seeing those pregnant around me continue their happiness without me. When I returned I saw Kerry was close to having the baby. It was hard going back on and seeing it, but I thank God I did.
The day she had her baby is the day she began to touch the lives of so many. You see, that feeling I had for those ten days was her immediate reality moments after her c section. Her beautiful girl was born with Aperts Syndrome, a craniofacial condition affecting the head, feet, and hands. It is rare, affecting about 1 in 160,000 - 200,000 births in the U.S. After a blissful pregnancy the operating room turned quiet and she knew something was wrong. She tells her story of that day so beautifully, I simply cannot put it to words. Her honesty about that day hit home with me....for such a short moment in my life, I knew how she felt. I had her thoughts and knowing that her daughter Mary Cate's diagnosis was forever...not just for ten days... it hung heavy in my heart.
What Kerry did next after such a short time is amazing. She didn't hide. She didn't shun people away or keep her daughter from the world. She rallied her closest family and friends and began educating others on Apert's Syndrome. She has now become a resource for other families with babies having the same diagnosis. She started her beautiful blog and website, My Mary Cate to keep everyone informed and to keep everyone aware of the struggles...and sweet rewards of raising a child with Apert's. Her family and friends had a benefit, where literally thousands came to celebrate the life of her sweet baby girl. It stopped me in my tracks at how so much love and support was in one building.
She literally has taken the entire South Side of Chicago and has brought Mary Cate into our lives. She has educated grammar school students to be accepting of people's differences. She is honest and doesn't sweet talk what it is like dealing with an unknown future of surgeries, doctors appointments and the serious medical issues that come with a diagnosis of Apert's Syndrome. She shows us a true Mother's love for all to aspire to.
She is the major reason I started this blog. I saw how she could open up and knew I needed to do the same about my losses.
To me, she has a strength like no other. Her daughter is a such a blessing to us all, and continues to prevail through her surgeries and with meeting milestones. I am so grateful she started her blog. Grateful that she has opened the eyes of so many and that she shares both the happy and hard times she has....so I can try and pick her up during those tough moments and carry her in my thoughts and prayers like she does for me.
Your path is so different than mine, but I thank you, Kerry for showing me what strength really is.
 |
| Happy 1st Birthday, sweet Mary Cate |
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
It had to be the same exact date....
One of my students mentioned that his mom was pregnant a few weeks ago....Not my favorite subject to dwell on so I let it go.
She came in to volunteer a month or so ago and I could tell that she was sick with morning sickness...again, I'd rather avoid the topic so I didn't ask.
Today she came in again, and proceeded to talk about how sick she was. It was almost awkward if I didn't ask why. So she told me how indeed she was pregnant. I had to swallow my pride and ask all the questions. You know, how many weeks? Do you know what you're having? Etc etc.
Her due date you ask? March 25th. My exact due date for the last failed pregnancy. THE EXACT SAME DATE.
What the hell? Now I get to look at her every day when she gets bigger and bigger and think "that's exactly where I'd be".
Her 20 week ultrasound is Friday. That would have been me. Why did she have to have the exact same date? Ugh.
Unfreakingbelievable.
She came in to volunteer a month or so ago and I could tell that she was sick with morning sickness...again, I'd rather avoid the topic so I didn't ask.
Today she came in again, and proceeded to talk about how sick she was. It was almost awkward if I didn't ask why. So she told me how indeed she was pregnant. I had to swallow my pride and ask all the questions. You know, how many weeks? Do you know what you're having? Etc etc.
Her due date you ask? March 25th. My exact due date for the last failed pregnancy. THE EXACT SAME DATE.
What the hell? Now I get to look at her every day when she gets bigger and bigger and think "that's exactly where I'd be".
Her 20 week ultrasound is Friday. That would have been me. Why did she have to have the exact same date? Ugh.
Unfreakingbelievable.
Monday, November 5, 2012
There Comes A Point
After going through this for so long there comes a point where nearing the end of the 2ww is different. Way different from when a positive pregnancy test meant in your mind that you would have a baby in nine months.
There comes a point where a sliver of you is hopeful, but a pit starts to form in your stomach at the mere thought of getting a positive result.
I used to find myself dying to take a test five days early. Now? I push it back as far as I can, knowing that such pain and anxiety comes with two pink lines.
My best friend called when I was at the gym today. "I thought you don't workout while you are waiting to test?" she asked. There comes a point where I decided I cannot put my life on hold anymore. I am done with it.
So, that's where I'm at. That point of waiting to test, but not holding my breath at the same time.
It's just different now.
There comes a point where a sliver of you is hopeful, but a pit starts to form in your stomach at the mere thought of getting a positive result.
I used to find myself dying to take a test five days early. Now? I push it back as far as I can, knowing that such pain and anxiety comes with two pink lines.
My best friend called when I was at the gym today. "I thought you don't workout while you are waiting to test?" she asked. There comes a point where I decided I cannot put my life on hold anymore. I am done with it.
So, that's where I'm at. That point of waiting to test, but not holding my breath at the same time.
It's just different now.
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