I had my "post d &c" appointment today with my OB. We had a good long talk about this particular miscarriage.
For me, this particular miscarriage was much easier to handle than my others. The day I found out I was angry, but that was mainly because I was dealt this on top of three other losses. It was much easier for me to see an empty sac on the screen and know it was over than to see a perfectly formed baby lying still, when it's heart was beating just days before.
Maybe it was also what I expected. The second my betas didn't quite double, I knew. Perhaps that is why I was beyond nervous for every appt? Even with the story or two people shared of similar betas and my nurses reassuring me it was okay, I knew it. I knew it wasn't ectopic because I felt exactly where it implanted, and I knew there was never going to be a baby or a heartbeat. Mother's intuition? I even told my Mom that first week and it was just a matter of time. The waiting throughout this entire process from start to finish is so hard.
Now, this is not to say that blighted ovums are not traumatic to women, I am saying that in my experiences this was easier for me to handle. Any miscarriage is devastating. This is also not to say that I can or would like to endure this, or any other type of miscarriage ever again. Ever. I think I've had my fair share...and then some.
Extreme frustration came with needing another surgery to rid my body of an empty sac after all that medicine that works "95%" of the time. I always fall into that small %. I was just hoping to miscarry on my own and move on so I could be done with it.
We discussed how blighted ovums are usually an error in the chromosomes/genetics and no amount of medicines or blood thinners could have helped it. I am at peace with that. So for now I am healing, going to run a few races with my husband, and enjoy a few drinks on my weekends while we wait some more for my hcg to go back down to zero (which usually takes forever). I will also be turning to this blog to vent and continue connecting with other bloggers. I am so so glad I started this. I have met so many amazing, supportive and strong women from around the globe. This, along with strength given by my friends and family that follow has helped me tremendously.
I did have to chuckle to myself though as my "lucky/unlucky" post was written in good timing....when asked about a future pregnancy my doctor said "it's literally a roll of the dice every time, you just have to get lucky". Almost the exact same words as my RE said to me last week over the phone. As for moving forward I meet with my RE on Tuesday to discuss next steps.
Moving forward.....again.
You have an incredible strength that is inspiring. I have completely accepted that this all is such a numbers game! It still sucks but helps me stay hopeful that we will get lucky the next time.
ReplyDeleteThe first miscarriage I ever had was a empty sac and it does seen a little easier to accept, even though it still hurts. I hope the meeting with your RE goes well.
ReplyDeleteI am amazed at your strength. I will keeping hoping for you that your time to be lucky will be very very soon! I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYou keep trucking along! You are one tough cookie! I'm hoping your levels drop quickly and you can move forward ASAP!
ReplyDeleteWhile my heart continues to ache for you, it gave me comfort to hear that you're finding this loss much easier to handle -- though, of course, that does not mean it's EASY. You're so strong. Hoping that, together with your RE, you can decide on the next best step. ~ hugs ~
ReplyDeleteI know my first pregnancy was not going to work from the moment I saw those double pinks. It was a *very* different experience from my second. Each step, each hurdle, has its own obstacles. Some hurting less than others, but each one significant in its own right. I'm glad to hear your are healing and looking to the future again. I'm thankful to be able to join you.
ReplyDeleteYou're strength is inspiring, my love, inspiring.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm - happy is not the word.. I'm sort of glad that you had all that mother's intuition - sounds like it makes the blow a little softer than if you had been thinking the whole time that this was the one.. If that makes sense.
Anyhoo - SO sorry for your loss, love.
You continue to amaze me with your strength, courage, and fighting spirit. I wish so badly that you did not have to go through any of this. It isn't fair. I hate when doctors throw around the word "luck" with regards to healthy/unhealthy pregnancies. Really? All of those years of medical training and this the best that they can do? It makes me so mad! I really wish that they would do some more studies on recurrent miscarriage. It would save so many families from such terrible heartbreak over and over again. I hope that you get a great plan to move forward with on Tuesday. I can't wait to hear about it. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you for keeping us updated. I cannot imagine going through all of the fertility drama to get pregnant, only to miscarry. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers, K. =) Have a few drinks and try to enjoy yourself. It sounds like you've already got a good game plan. I'm glad that you're "sort of" at peace with this (from my reading into your emotions) miscarriage, although I know you must be hurting. Sending lots of love and hugs from Alabama.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your RE appointment isn't so far away so you can start to figure out next steps. In some ways I agree it's a roll of the dice, in others I don't. In terms of chromosomal abnormalities, I think I agree. I do think ART is sometimes more of an art than a science, I am always amazed at how much doctors don't know.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
It makes so much sense that this was easier for you to deal with than your later losses. There is always more to lose the further along we get (not that it doesn't suck at ANY point in time... it just sucks extra horribly when it's further along). And it also makes sense that your anger and frustration about it all come from the way it all took so long to just end. The frustration with our bodies is so hard, and with a miscarriage, it feels doubly horrible when you feel your body can't even manage to do the loss part correctly. It's terrible.
ReplyDeleteBUT as always, your attitude is remarkable (and good for a negative nancy like myself to witness), and you are giving yourself all the best therapy (running and drinks (lots of drinks) for stress relief are my time-proven remedies as well... and maybe some retail therapy too, which I think you've already been doing :). Oh, and extra dancing with a certain sweet little gal who calls you "mommy."
And of course I am praying extra hard that the next time really will be your "lucky" time when the dice will roll just the right way. Actually, my prayers often repeat the mantra "No more miscarriages, okay God? Just no more miscarriages." And right along with that, "perfect, healthy babies!" It's not too much to ask, in my opinion.
I look forward to hearing how your appt. with your RE goes next week!
Even after struggling with IF for 8 years now, I've never experienced a m/c (because I've never had a BFP). I can't imagine going through what you have...and handling it with so much strength. I really mean that. You sound like such a strong person from your posts - keep hanging onto that strength during your most difficult and trying times. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYeah. There's something about miscarriages you expect that makes them slightly easier to bear. My first m/c was a blighted ovum and it was hell, but it was my first. My second actually had a fetal pole and was a little easier to take, just because I knew how to pick myself up and keep going.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to go through this, though. :(
I'm sorry you're going through this, again.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're doing ok though, and are getting through this. Thinking of you