I had my "post d &c" appointment today with my OB. We had a good long talk about this particular miscarriage.
For me, this particular miscarriage was much easier to handle than my others. The day I found out I was angry, but that was mainly because I was dealt this on top of three other losses. It was much easier for me to see an empty sac on the screen and know it was over than to see a perfectly formed baby lying still, when it's heart was beating just days before.
Maybe it was also what I expected. The second my betas didn't quite double, I knew. Perhaps that is why I was beyond nervous for every appt? Even with the story or two people shared of similar betas and my nurses reassuring me it was okay, I knew it. I knew it wasn't ectopic because I felt exactly where it implanted, and I knew there was never going to be a baby or a heartbeat. Mother's intuition? I even told my Mom that first week and it was just a matter of time. The waiting throughout this entire process from start to finish is so hard.
Now, this is not to say that blighted ovums are not traumatic to women, I am saying that in my experiences this was easier for me to handle. Any miscarriage is devastating. This is also not to say that I can or would like to endure this, or any other type of miscarriage ever again. Ever. I think I've had my fair share...and then some.
Extreme frustration came with needing another surgery to rid my body of an empty sac after all that medicine that works "95%" of the time. I always fall into that small %. I was just hoping to miscarry on my own and move on so I could be done with it.
We discussed how blighted ovums are usually an error in the chromosomes/genetics and no amount of medicines or blood thinners could have helped it. I am at peace with that. So for now I am healing, going to run a few races with my husband, and enjoy a few drinks on my weekends while we wait some more for my hcg to go back down to zero (which usually takes forever). I will also be turning to this blog to vent and continue connecting with other bloggers. I am so so glad I started this. I have met so many amazing, supportive and strong women from around the globe. This, along with strength given by my friends and family that follow has helped me tremendously.
I did have to chuckle to myself though as my "lucky/unlucky" post was written in good timing....when asked about a future pregnancy my doctor said "it's literally a roll of the dice every time, you just have to get lucky". Almost the exact same words as my RE said to me last week over the phone. As for moving forward I meet with my RE on Tuesday to discuss next steps.