You got that right folks. Met the RE to talk about the miscarriage and plan for hopefully my 6th pregnancy. 6th pregnancy... I would have bet my life savings I never thought I'd say those words!
The timing of this appointment came at exactly two years to the day since Larry and I decided to start trying again. Exactly one year since my septum removal surgery. I can remember right where we were. Out for a walk after dinner and he brought up trying again. I wasn't quite ready to try yet, but since I had trouble the first time I gave in. I remember saying things like "I would like the kids 'x' years apart"...or "I would like to get pregnant during 'x' month so I wont be pregnant during this holiday".
What the hell was I thinking?? How blind and naive was I that any of this would be up to me...and here I am exactly two years later and still planning and plotting and wishing and hoping for something that is clearly not up to me.
That's the beauty though about what I've realized...it's not up to me. There is nothing else I can do! So with this next plan I am going to try and live my life normally and let everything else fall into place. Much easier said than done when so much is invested but I am going to try. Baby steps. I know there will be days where I am stressed and anxious...that is a given. It's always going to be here, on my brain at some degree. I just can't let it control me anymore.
So at the RE we discussed:
*The blighted ovum was more than likely a bad egg or sperm. No medicine or medical intervention would have helped.
*In all his years he has never had a patient not respond to that many doses of Misprostol. Grrr. I felt my blood boiling just thinking about it...but I let it go.
*Once I get my period (I will call if I don't get in two more weeks) I will be taking 100mg of Clomid for 7 days instead of 5 to hopefully push up ovulation sooner in my cycle. Any other bloggers do this?
*Adding some Vitamin D, CO q 10, and others to hopefully improve egg quality while continuing exercising and running. Continue on Metformin and will be on Lovenox with positive test.
*I was reminded that a Clomid/IUI cycle has about a 10% success rate.
As for now I still have a faint positive on my pregnancy tests (meaning I still have hcg in my system). It's faint, but still there so I will track that to negative and hope to start a new cycle at the end of the month.
Two years.
Man, I have learned a lot...about what a miracle this truly is. I've learned about myself. My family. My friends. About how strong I can be and how that strength can be tested to its limits. These two years have definitely changed me.
Most importantly I learned how I can't control this...so I am not going to try. I will follow my doctors protocol but I am trying to loosen the death grip this has had on me.
It was strangling me..and I can finally take a breath.
Ha! I have had all those thoughts before - like "man I don't want to be super pregnant during the summer" because I hate heat to begin with. Shame! shaaaaaame!
ReplyDeleteYou have *such* a great way of looking at this. Good on ya for loosening the death grip.
I find it very annoying when my girlfriends say things like, "I'd like my baby born during this month. I don't want my baby born near that holiday." Yeah, I thought things like that in the beginning too, but seriously, they don't need to continually say it around me. It makes me so angry, like they just take pregnancy for granted. Ah the things that come from the mouths of the fertiles...
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a great plan! And realizing that all of this is out of my control has been one of my great revelations too. I find there's a little freedom in trying to let some of the control and anxiety go, and in trying to make peace with all of it. Right now, it's still two steps forward and one step back for me, but that's progress nonetheless and I'll take it. I hope it works for you too, and takes a little weight off your shoulders. XO
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a good plan! I'm glad you're feeling good about it! I've sort of been trying to have the same attitude. I can't control any of this so I need to let it go. It's so hard though! I know it feels so much better to not stress all the time but it's hard to let go! Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI did the same thing. If I get pregnant now...then...if...We all would take it whenever it came, now! Your plan sounds solid and I'm interested to see how the you react to the Clomid after seven days.
ReplyDelete2 years is a long time, but it hasn't broken you. And understanding the good things that it has taught you is important to keep in mind- I'm glad you are doing that. I can see your healing with each post.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside- do you read The Elusive Second Line? She was put on 10 days of Clomid last year and ended up OHSS and lost and ovary- but she also had PCOS and I'm sure there was more involved. Just double check with the Doc and make sure all that exercise is ok.
I have had so many of these thoughts! Being in control is such a hard thing to let go of. After our chemicals I felt like there was something I had done to cause this. Maybe if I'd taken more supplements, maybe I worked to hard that day... But the beauty of giving in and letting go of control helps me not blame myself. Thinking of you and wishing you the best on this next cycle.
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of the clomid for 7 days, that is very interesting. Looks like we will be going back to iui's with clomid also. 10% is still a chance!
ReplyDeletecrazy how naive we can be, and when tough times are thrown in your face, you realize you really have no control! as always, thoughts and prayers girlfriend...you are an inspiration, strong, determined and beautiful woman! xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to give up control, even when we don't have a choice in the matter! So proud of your perspective and attitude. May you be blessed...
ReplyDeleteThankful a plan is in place for you, and humbled by your amazing perspective and attitude, as always. Can you teach me how to do that, please? :)
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking a lot about the time that has passed lately too, and how naive I used to be as well. I never thought it would take 3 years and all the BS it took to get to where we are today... actually, I always assumed I'd have at least 2 kids by now, 2 years apart... you know, the way it seems to go for the many women I struggle to not hate due to my envy. :/ But here we are, and as you said, we realize very quickly how little control we really have over any of it. And that's a hard pill to swallow.
I'm hoping and praying every day for the stubborn hcg to get the heck out of dodge. Keep on keeping on my friend! Sending a hug your way from Michigan.
I am so glad that you have a plan in place and the way you are looking at things is amazing to me! I need to read your post often to remind myself of the same! Hope that you are able to get started with your plan very soon! Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteBeing present is soooo difficult. Truly, it is what I ask for you when praying for you. I do believe living in the now allows for much needed clarity...if only for a short while. So if this clarity and glimpses of hope are what is present for you right now, then you can consider one prayer answered. So far. xoxo
ReplyDeleteRemembering to breathe on this journey is not always easy. When I first started trying I wanted all my children born in April and May...by the time we got to IVF, I didn't care and realized all the planning in the world wasn't going to get me a baby. I really had to let it all go and hope God really did have children in his plan for me...I'm not super religious, but I had to, as my mother (who is super religious) always says, put it in God's hands.
ReplyDeleteRecognizing and accepting the lack of control in our struggles is half the battle...you have a lovely post here letting us all know we can stop and take the deep breaths we need to survive this journey.
As for planning the children to be so many years apart...well, I wish I could have thought about that. But it took us so damn long to get the first one, we don't have time to waste if we're going to try again...It could be another 4 years before we get lucky again...and well, we may never get lucky again...
Thank you for sharing this...it's a beautifully written post...
The control is the hardest thing to let go of, for me. Accepting my lack of control is like accepting that fate could literally hand me anything and I can't do anything about it. The illusion of control makes me feel like I still have another shot if things don't go my way. I really admire your resolve here to move forward without being completely absorbed by TTC. I hope I can do that myself when the time comes!
ReplyDeleteSo not up to us... I hear you. Even after all we've gone through, I still want to try again - which like you, puts me on pregnancy #6 too. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteWith clomid, no idea.
I was told no strenuous exercise - i.e., I could walk, but not break a sweat. I was told no running at all, even during our IUIs.
Talking pregnancy tests prior to period to get HCG out of your system is probably not necessary. They made me do blood tests each week and it literally took 7 weeks, and it was only 0 after I had a period. This time I talked to RE, I said no blood tests. I'd see about after period then take one to see if 0, but not doing it before then. Just a way you could save, if you didn't have to take them. :)
BIG HUG as you journey to #6.
I just love your plan! The way that you are dealing with everything is so beautiful. Your blog is so wonderful thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeletePS just LOVE the background picture