You got that right folks. Met the RE to talk about the miscarriage and plan for hopefully my 6th pregnancy. 6th pregnancy... I would have bet my life savings I never thought I'd say those words!
The timing of this appointment came at exactly two years to the day since Larry and I decided to start trying again. Exactly one year since my septum removal surgery. I can remember right where we were. Out for a walk after dinner and he brought up trying again. I wasn't quite ready to try yet, but since I had trouble the first time I gave in. I remember saying things like "I would like the kids 'x' years apart"...or "I would like to get pregnant during 'x' month so I wont be pregnant during this holiday".
What the hell was I thinking?? How blind and naive was I that any of this would be up to me...and here I am exactly two years later and still planning and plotting and wishing and hoping for something that is clearly not up to me.
That's the beauty though about what I've realized...it's not up to me. There is nothing else I can do! So with this next plan I am going to try and live my life normally and let everything else fall into place. Much easier said than done when so much is invested but I am going to try. Baby steps. I know there will be days where I am stressed and anxious...that is a given. It's always going to be here, on my brain at some degree. I just can't let it control me anymore.
So at the RE we discussed:
*The blighted ovum was more than likely a bad egg or sperm. No medicine or medical intervention would have helped.
*In all his years he has never had a patient not respond to that many doses of Misprostol. Grrr. I felt my blood boiling just thinking about it...but I let it go.
*Once I get my period (I will call if I don't get in two more weeks) I will be taking 100mg of Clomid for 7 days instead of 5 to hopefully push up ovulation sooner in my cycle. Any other bloggers do this?
*Adding some Vitamin D, CO q 10, and others to hopefully improve egg quality while continuing exercising and running. Continue on Metformin and will be on Lovenox with positive test.
*I was reminded that a Clomid/IUI cycle has about a 10% success rate.
As for now I still have a faint positive on my pregnancy tests (meaning I still have hcg in my system). It's faint, but still there so I will track that to negative and hope to start a new cycle at the end of the month.
Man, I have learned a lot...about what a miracle this truly is. I've learned about myself. My family. My friends. About how strong I can be and how that strength can be tested to its limits. These two years have definitely changed me.
Most importantly I learned how I can't control this...so I am not going to try. I will follow my doctors protocol but I am trying to loosen the death grip this has had on me.
It was strangling me..and I can finally take a breath.