Thursday, August 23, 2012

Unlucky?... or ...Lucky?

**Warning** I do not often talk about my daughter on this blog, but this post will. If you are a "fellow blogger" and not in a place where you can read about children, feel free to skip this one...I completely understand.

The words "lucky" and "unlucky" are used a lot when people talk about my situation. I have even used them myself.

"This many losses in a row without any medically conclusive answers could just be really bad luck"
"You are so lucky to have Nora. How is she here?"
"Your bad luck is bound to change soon"
"Next time is going to be your lucky one"
I struggle myself in how I look at things. Constantly. To be honest, my answer can change almost daily.
Four Miscarriages in a row?  For sure unlucky...
Being born with a giant wall in my uterus? Unlucky #2
Not having insurance coverage on any fertility related costs? Unlucky Kate
Having no answers and no genetic reasons to fix this? Yep, bad luck again
Needing surgeries to rid my body of the loss instead of expelling it on its own? Not my lucky day.
But you see, when I set my grief aside I can take a step back and look at it a little differently. In 2008, before Nora, I would sit in the clinic and watch women bring their toddlers in for a second chance at luck. I would sit with tears welling and pray "Please, please God, bless us with one, these women are so lucky they have at least one and are coming back for a bonus".
And I am too...I am lucky. God has blessed me. I am one of the lucky ones.

I gave birth to a healthy baby girl...
 I get to watch my husband be a Father...
We get to watch her take in all life has to offer...
And when I wasn't feeling so lucky after finding out about my last miscarriage my little girl said,  "Mommy, don't cry...let's just dance!"
Seems pretty "lucky" to me...
Although there are times when its hard for me to see past the "what ifs" and "what should have beens", I remind myself I am in a good place. Do my struggles make me angry/sad/frustrated/doubtful? Yes. I continue to pray that we are blessed again, but if Nora is all we have this family of three is pretty darn lucky.




  1. Your daughter is beautiful and her curls are fabulous!

  2. Love this! Your daughter is beautiful... Who could blame you for wanting more! :)

  3. Nora is precious! And beautiful!

    I so understand and appreciate this post. Having also gotten to be one of the lucky ones, I often feel guilty when I start to feel bad about the situation we're now in. I feel so blessed and cursed at once.

    But like you, I am constantly telling myself that we are okay. We have so much. And if my daughter is the only one I ever have, she is enough. Thank you for reminding me of that today!

  4. But wait... I have more to say.

    Just because you have a beautiful daughter, it doesn't make the loss fell any less. It doesn't make the pain any more dull. It doesn't make the ache any less real. Yes, you have a stunning little girl, but your loss is just the same as mine even though I don't have any children that I can hold in my arms. Yet.

  5. beautiful.....I know what you mean.....
    I have two wonderful boys. I am lucky. We are lucky to be parents. But that doesn't mean we don't want to be lucky again. We have been very unlucky (that word doesn't even begin to describe it), but we deserve to be lucky again.
    thinking of you....

  6. I'm so glad you have Nora to help ease the sting of your losses. She is so beautiful and I know she must help you smile even when you are struggling. You also have such amazing perspective and the ability to step back and look at things from a different angle, which is amazing and inspiring to me!

    BUT, just as Tami said, just because you have been blessed with your wonderful daughter does not make the pain of your current struggles any less valid or real. It doesn't matter WHEN miscarriages happen, they always hurt. And they always cause us to feel fear and insecurity and so many other difficult things about our future. And of course, with Nora there before your eyes, how could NOT want to have another little one? She is living proof of how amazing that experience can be. :) Thanks for sharing this post!!

  7. Love this, you are the lucky one, we all are in our own way, why not embrace it. Nora is absolutely beautiful. What a face! We have a silver lining that we need to find each time we encounter such a loss, it's hard to find sometimes. But I have one for you, You are a lovely person. I can tell by the way you write you are caring and passionate and willing to do anything for your family. And one thing I read recently is that women who have struggled, as we have, with fertility and losses are twice as patient and caring as other women who have an easy time having kids. There, you are a better mum because of what you have been through, isn't that a little amazing, what a gift... Just letting you know that I'm thinking about you. I know how hard this has been, been there myself... XOXO

  8. Your daughter is so incredibly cute. The dancing quote made me tear up. She is so precious. You are such a strong woman and you amaze me with every post. I am so lucky to have found your blog. I am praying for you every day that you will be one of those women who gets their bonus child. You deserve this so much! I will never stop routing for you and cheering you on. :)

  9. I totally understand and couldn't agree more. Beautiful post, Katie.

  10. I have been thinking about this concept a lot lately, especially when I catch myself saying to someone how "lucky" we finally got with this pregnancy. Uh, after being so frickin' unlucky for so long, could've done without all that, universe.

    It's hard to make these terms fit the complicated intertwining of such wonderful and such heartbreaking events.

    Beautiful post.

  11. I appreciate your perspective. And your persistence is inspiring too. I'm so glad you have your beautiful little one. Hoping good things for you. Kristina ICLW

  12. I've been trying to do some catch up with my blog reading after a crazy weekend last week and not feeling well for a few days but I'm here now and still supporting you!

    Those are beautiful pics and you have such a beautiful daughter. I know it's hard to focus on the positive among all the yucky IF stuff but in doing so, I can't help but see that you are lucky, lucky, lucky! Sending you lucky prayers for another beautiful baby. :)

  13. I understand completely. And agree completely.

  14. That was just beautiful Kate! I'm always thinking about you...

  15. What a beautiful post and tribute to your daughter - but as others have said, the joy you feel from her presence in your life cannot diminish or take away the other pain you have felt and are feeling. As you realize, you are certainly lucky for that aspect of your life, but you are also right to recognize the other parts that are not so lucky. Here's to luck turning!