What a week.
Many refer to this week as "Beta Hell Week"...Where one sits on pins and needles waiting for the phone to ring and the nurse to dish out your pregnancy fate.
It's an emotionally wrenching place to be and I'm in the thick of it.
A little background for those readers not in the IF community. Your beta measures your hcg (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone. A number over 5 is pregnant and your initial number (in about 85% of normal pregnancies) should double every 2 to 3 days. My particular clinic wants 60% rise in 48 hours. If they start dropping its usually a miscarriage.
Monday's result - hcg 129. Pregnant.
My body allowed for about 2 hours of happiness before worry set in. I had to make sure numbers were doubling. Something that has never been a problem for me before.
Wednesday I was physically shaking I was so nervous. Hcg 215. Not doubling like they normally do. Of course I goo.gled everything imaginable even though the nurse assured me it was fine and it was a 66% rise in 48 hours. I wasn't being too positive. I had to go for another draw Friday.
Today I was calm as can be. I had prayed and told myself "it is what it is" and there is nothing else I can do. I saw my nurse at the clinic this a.m. and we had a good talk about how we can't obsess over the numbers and they are going up, etc. I was angry. 3 late miscarriages, an early chemical, and now this?
Today's level up to 395. About an 85% increase or doubling time of 55 hours. My nurse assured me this was okay and to take a deep breath. To me its much better but I'm not out of the woods yet. I will be returning Monday for hopefully my last one.
Wednesday 215 - 66 hr doubling time
Friday 395 - 55 hour doubling time
Pregnant, for now. It's even hard to type. I am scared. Nervous that this will once again be ripped out from under me. The betas are making this even more stressful as now I'm worried about them. They usually skyrocket and more than double for me, but again - that doesn't always work out either. Plus, most women who just get pregnant at home don't even have a clue as to what their numbers might be.
When I first started this blog my only reservation was that since I opened it to friends and family then people would know when I got pregnant. I wouldn't be able to hide it. I've told people right away before, I've tried to hide the obvious growing belly, I've fake drank, etc. all for the sake of not having to "untell" and I usually "untell" anyways. My struggles are no means a secret, but I am especially very guarded about everything going okay this time.
When talking about this with my Mom and Aunt Mary Ann one day my aunt said "Katie you will have that many more people praying for you. We will storm the heavens".
Well it's time to storm the heavens. Please pray that this turns out okay and that I can find ways to handle my fears. That I am given strength to keep fighting this no matter what happens. We have been through so much. I do ask that if you do know real life not to discuss it with me unless its through email or commenting on here. I also wish not to pass this info like I'm a regular newly pregnant person. I am not. I am far from it, and obviously can't put a "please keep it a secret clause" on here when its a public blog...but please keep in mind what I am going through. My fears are escalated even more now with these lazy beta numbers.
But for now, or at least until Monday, pregnant - and starting my first Loven.ox injection tonight.....Now, please "go storm the heavens" for me...