Saturday, July 21, 2012

Storming the Heavens

What a week.

Many refer to this week as "Beta Hell Week"...Where one sits on pins and needles waiting for the phone to ring and the nurse to dish out your pregnancy fate.

It's an emotionally wrenching place to be and I'm in the thick of it.

A little background for those readers not in the IF community. Your beta measures your hcg (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone. A number over 5 is pregnant and your initial number (in about 85% of normal pregnancies) should double every 2 to 3 days. My particular clinic wants 60% rise in 48 hours. If they start dropping its usually a miscarriage.

Monday's result - hcg 129. Pregnant.

My body allowed for about 2 hours of happiness before worry set in. I had to make sure numbers were doubling. Something that has never been a problem for me before.

Wednesday I was physically shaking I was so nervous. Hcg 215. Not doubling like they normally do. Of course I goo.gled everything imaginable even though the nurse assured me it was fine and it was a 66% rise in 48 hours. I wasn't being too positive. I had to go for another draw Friday.

Today I was calm as can be. I had prayed and told myself "it is what it is" and there is nothing else I can do. I saw my nurse at the clinic this a.m. and we had a good talk about how we can't obsess over the numbers and they are going up, etc. I was angry. 3 late miscarriages, an early chemical, and now this? Today's level up to 395. About an 85% increase or doubling time of 55 hours. My nurse assured me this was okay and to take a deep breath. To me its much better but I'm not out of the woods yet. I will be returning Monday for hopefully my last one.

Monday 129
Wednesday 215 - 66 hr doubling time
Friday 395 - 55 hour doubling time

Pregnant, for now. It's even hard to type. I am scared. Nervous that this will once again be ripped out from under me. The betas are making this even more stressful as now I'm worried about them. They usually skyrocket and more than double for me, but again - that doesn't always work out either. Plus, most women who just get pregnant at home don't even have a clue as to what their numbers might be.

When I first started this blog my only reservation was that since I opened it to friends and family then people would know when I got pregnant. I wouldn't be able to hide it. I've told people right away before, I've tried to hide the obvious growing belly, I've fake drank, etc. all for the sake of not having to "untell" and I usually "untell" anyways.  My struggles are no means a secret, but I am especially very guarded about everything going okay this time.

When talking about this with my Mom and Aunt Mary Ann one day my aunt said "Katie you will have that many more people praying for you. We will storm the heavens".

Well it's time to storm the heavens. Please pray that this turns out okay and that I can find ways to handle my fears. That I am given strength to keep fighting this no matter what happens.  We have been through so much. I do ask that if you do know real life not to discuss it with me unless its through email or commenting on here. I also wish not to pass this info like I'm a regular newly pregnant person. I am not. I am far from it, and obviously can't put a "please keep it a secret clause" on here when its a public blog...but please keep in mind what I am going through. My fears are escalated even more now with these lazy beta numbers.

But for now, or at least until Monday, pregnant - and starting my first Loven.ox injection tonight.....Now, please "go storm the heavens" for me...


  1. I have been waiting all week for you to post your results. I hope you know how many people have been thinking about you!!! Your mom and aunt are right :). Hope Monday's beta proves to be the last one and sends you on your way to a healthy pregnancy!!!' lots of hugs

  2. Awh - K - this is WONDERFUL news. I know it's scary, but it is also WONDERFUL at its core. Try to just revel in the fact that you're pregnant. My numbers only went up by 66%, and there is a healthy little girl sitting in front of me now. Hang in there!!

  3. Oh hon, I'm so sorry you're going through beta hell right now. The nurse is right, all you can do is focus on the positives for now - that your numbers are going up. I hope the number skyrockets on Monday so your fears can ease up a little. Hang in there. ((hugs))

  4. K, I have already been praying like crazy for you, pretty much every time you pop into my mind, which is often. I hate beta draws and the stress they create, and I hate it even more when they can't just be super encouraging like us baby-loss mamas really need (and deserve, in my opinion). I so get where you are right now, and I know it's horrible. I'm not only praying for that little one to burrow in and stick it out for the long-haul, but also for you to find some peace as you wait out this stressful period. You're not alone, friend. You deserve this baby, and I'm going to believe it can and will happen for you this time!
    Also, and I know we all have these stories, I do have more than one friend who had perfect babies with hcg numbers that never doubled. Those numbers don't tell the whole story! Sometimes I think they just cause us more grief than they're worth. As if we don't worry enough as it is! Ugh. I'm so sorry this couldn't have been a more encouraging week for you, but rest assured that you will have many, many people storming the heavens on your behalf! Hugs to you.

  5. Also, best of luck with the Lovenox!! I'm a believer, as you know. :) Glad you are giving it a go!
    And actually, when I filled my Rx this last time, they came in a whole new, fancy needle that retracts the needle automatically at the end, and they are SO much easier and less painful! I hope you get this newer version too. Let me know if you have any questions at all about the shots!
    It helps me to take a deep breath and then completely exhale before pushing the shot in. I also always said in my mind, "This is for you, baby," as I was doing the shot. That made the sting feel totally worth it. :)

  6. Praying so hard for u! Stay positive and strong! U deserve this more than anyone!

  7. Praying for you and hoping a shorter doubling time is a trend!!

  8. I have been thinking of you all week. Sending all my pt&ps to you!! I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you -- sending lots of virtual ((((Hugs)))).

  9. I've been in the lazy purgatory before. It is awful. Sending positive thoughts and a prayer for you.

  10. Sending you lots of hugs and a very cautious congratulations! I know they're not ideal but those numbers are also not bad! Remember, sometimes you just have a slower grower on your hands. And other times, you have awesome betas at first that end up as a loss. It's completely out of your hands. So try as much as possible to send positive, loving vibes to that little fighter in there and enjoy the time you have with it. Keep us posted, I'll be sending good thoughts out your way!!

  11. I've been stalking your blog all week wondering how you sorry to hear you're in beta limbo, it's a shitty place to be. But your numbers are NOT BAD AT ALL. And I've heard ALL SORTS of beta stories. Enough to know there's a reason they always say not to put to much importance in the numbers. But I understand the worry all too well. My prayers are lifted up with the others storming towards heaven for you. (((hugs)))

  12. I have been checking in, waiting for an update. From the outside looking in, this is a fantastic update. However, I am sure that for you this is bringing to the surface a whole new bag of mixed emotions. My mom gave me the mantra, "Today, I am pregnant." I said that for about 10 weeks. I will pray for you that through will, prayer, medications and hope you will go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I love your Aunt's battle cry...

  13. thinking about you. Have my fingers crossed that you'll stay pregnant....

  14. storming heaven and earth and everything else! always thinking of and praying for you! xoxo

  15. So sorry that I have missed commenting on your posts while I was away. First let me say that I am so happy that you are pregnant. I know all too well how awful beta hell is though. I am so sorry that you have to wait in this limbo. It isn't fair. :( That said, I am praying so hard that you get only good news from here on out. Good luck today. I'll be thinking about you.

  16. I am just now seeing this. Thinking of you today with your 4th beta! Love and Hugs!

  17. Thinking of you. Beta hell week is the worst! Thinking of you and hoping you get great news on your next beta.

    Here from ICLW

  18. Hi Katie. I can't believe I didn't know you had this blog. I'm pretty sure you helped "storm the heavens" for me when I was baring my feelings and soul about the game that is IF. I want you to know that now I'm here to do the same for you. Although we've never met personally (I hope we do someday!) my thoughts, prayers, & love are with you.
    <3 Rachel Witkowski

    1. Thank you so much...I sure did follow you and prayed for you each step of the way. IF is such a tough path, but as you showed me, miracles can happen! You're right, I hope we can meet in person one day.. We'll have to tell M to get working on that! Thanks again for the support, it means a lot.

  19. Definitely part of the stampede on heaven... thinking of you and sending you love and wishes from afar :) These early days are so hard and so difficult not to worry... be gentle on yourself. Love always xoxo

  20. Storming the heavens for you now! I have never been pregnant, and have never known the kind of loss that you have endured, but I do know that grief can poison your happiness if you let it. It's hard not to be guarded, and I would be feeling the same way.

    Hang in there, friend! Prayers are going up for you and your little bean!