June 18th..the day after Father's Day...the day I would have delivered.
I can still see the star I had drawn on this date in my planner. Too nervous to write "baby due" as if I were to jinx myself. I can see where I furiously erased it through the tears in the days after my D&C.
I constantly have calendar dates running through my head. Due dates, conception dates, loss dates, appt dates - you name it and this pretty little brain of mine has it engraved in its memory. The last two due dates came and I was already pregnant again - not this time. Maybe that's why it stings just a little more. Maybe its because I remember thinking in September when I got pregnant how far away June was...and now it's here.
I slapped a smile on my face yesterday for Father's Day but today I woke up wishing to just press the fast forward button for a day. I can still picture the baby I would have been having. Heart beating away, waving at me, perfect profile and cutest little nose. Gone ten days later.
|I know this is a bad picture, but its all I have. This was 11 weeks, 2 days and the last ultrasound I saw the baby moving and waving. It's hand is at the top next to the head.|
Its just so scary to me still because its happened 3 times and they can't find anything wrong. Nothing wrong means nothing to fix if there is a next time.
Today is here, I can't escape it so I will keep busy with my best friend. Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that I don't have to go through this again. On to tomorrow...