Monday, June 18, 2012

Calendar Dates

The date is here. My final due date to pass.
June 18th..the day after Father's Day...the day I would have delivered.
I can still see the star I had drawn on this date in my planner. Too nervous to write "baby due" as if I were to jinx myself. I can see where I furiously erased it through the tears in the days after my D&C.

I constantly have calendar dates running through my head. Due dates, conception dates, loss dates, appt dates - you name it and this pretty little brain of mine has it engraved in its memory.  The last two due dates came and I was already pregnant again - not this time. Maybe that's why it stings just a little more. Maybe its because I remember thinking in September when I got pregnant how far away June was...and now it's here.

I slapped a smile on my face yesterday for Father's Day but today I woke up wishing to just press the fast forward button for a day. I can still picture the baby I would have been having. Heart beating away, waving at me, perfect profile and cutest little nose. Gone ten days later.

I know this is a bad picture, but its all I have. This was 11 weeks, 2 days and the last ultrasound I saw the baby moving and waving. It's hand is at the top next to the head.

Its just so scary to me still because its happened 3 times and they can't find anything wrong. Nothing wrong means nothing to fix if there is a next time.

Today is here, I can't escape it so I will keep busy with my best friend.  Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that I don't have to go through this again. On to tomorrow...


  1. I completely understand. I'm so scared for what the outcome of my next pregnancy will be. It's hard to stay hopeful after having 3 losses. I just try and tell myself it's out of my hands and keep plugging forward. ((hugs))

  2. Oh my, your baby is beautiful. I'm so sorry about your due date...these horrible anniversaries are so difficult. This weekend, I couldn't get the thought out of my head that my husband should be celebrating Father's Day with a 2-month-old.

    I pray that you never have to go through this pain again. ((hugs))

  3. I am so sorry. I am really not sure how I will get through my due date later this year! I so wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you. I am glad that your best friend is there with you to help keep you busy! Sending lots of love!!

  4. a due date is horrible at a time like this. I'm glad mine has passed....
    thinking of you

  5. I know the feeling all too well. I'm sorry and It sucks. The first baby I lost would have been born a week before my birthday, the second one would have been born right before Thanksgiving. Now both of those holidays will always have a shadow cast on them. I spent my first "un-due date" with my BFF and she definitely helped keep my mind off things. I'm glad yours is with you today.

  6. I'm very sorry for these stinging reminders of what is gone. They hurt, I know. And honestly, I hate the dread of knowing these dates will keep stinging...maybe a bit less and less each year, but still...and I TOTALLY get the 'nothing wrong means nothing to fix,' fear. It stinks, and I'm sorry.

    Thank you for your really kind words on my blog. Hoping for many wonderful things for this next cycle.

  7. Hi, I'm Alexis here from ICLW I am sorry for you loss I am dreading when my what would have been due date nears. I look forward to following your journey and rooting you on along the way!

  8. Here from ICLW. I have been where you are - looking at calendar dates and dreading them, dreaming about the what-ifs. Hoping that sometime soon you can have a happier date to think about, rather than be reminded of sad times. I can't even imagine going through the pain you have gone through.

  9. Hello from ICLW - so sorry for your losses. :(

  10. This post really hits home. You've been through so much. You deserve a freaking break!!

    Thank you for your continuing words of support on my blog. Hugs!