After going through this for so long there comes a point where nearing the end of the 2ww is different. Way different from when a positive pregnancy test meant in your mind that you would have a baby in nine months.
There comes a point where a sliver of you is hopeful, but a pit starts to form in your stomach at the mere thought of getting a positive result.
I used to find myself dying to take a test five days early. Now? I push it back as far as I can, knowing that such pain and anxiety comes with two pink lines.
My best friend called when I was at the gym today. "I thought you don't workout while you are waiting to test?" she asked. There comes a point where I decided I cannot put my life on hold anymore. I am done with it.
So, that's where I'm at. That point of waiting to test, but not holding my breath at the same time.
It's just different now.
Ugh.. Infertility sucks. I'm in your boat - never again will a positive pregnancy test result in unencumbered glee alone.
ReplyDeleteIt absolutely sucks how you got there but I think that second-to-last sentence is a healthy place to be.
Oh I was wondering how you have been doing, haven't heard much from you in a while. Sorry you're in such a sad place but crossing my fingers it will get better soon and in the meantime hope making the choice to not put your life on hold anymore will make you a little happier...thinking of you xoxo
ReplyDeleteUff.. I feel ya. I mean if you don't live during the two that's end up being half your life. I soon wish things could be different. -thinking of you
ReplyDeleteI wish it could be different! I wish that seeing two lines could mean that we could jump for joy!! I admire you for not putting your life on hold. Wishing you the best!
ReplyDeleteyes how difficult that even with a BFP the worry and concerns dont end there.
DeleteI agree, live live live. I am trying to do the same. I gave up testing compleatly and now I just wait and wait. I think my period would have to be a week late at least now before I picked up a pee stick. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel! I am glad that you are working out still and saving those pee sticks for later. The early ambiguity is not helpful and I don't think that running or exercising is the cause of your miscarriages. Do what feels right at this time.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean about a positive no longer being such a joyful event. It doesn't mean anything but an uncertain beginning. I'm glad you're not putting your life on hold waiting for it - it feels so good to just live.
ReplyDeleteAfter my last experience with testing early and the craziness that went on, I swore I would never test early again. I hope that I can stay strong and stick to my word when the time comes. I do understand what you are saying about things being different though.
ReplyDeleteThe journey really does change us, doesn't it? Thinking good thoughts! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you a lot lately. Getting back into the thick of it after your most recent loss- I get it. I wish I could make this a process something other than what it is for you. Because you are right, things are different now.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see an update. I've been thinking of you so much and wondering how you were doing. I think you explain how the two week wait feels for someone who has experienced the rollercoaster of pregnancy followed by loss perfectly. It's terrifying. I also agree with you that putting your life on hold every 2 weeks for 14 days is no way to live, though it definitely never leaves your mind no matter what you do. I just told Phil the other day that it literally feels like I have been pregnant for over 3 years now: I have either been pregnant, miscarrying, waiting for my body to go back to normal, or actively TTC for the entire last 3 years of my life, and that's a long time. This IF crap really takes over your life, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteLots of prayers for you lately, K!