Dear Ovaries,
We sure do have a love/hate relationship, don't we? When I see that smiley face pop up on the digital sticks and my temperature rise I want to jump with joy and hug you. That is such a great feeling, that you are working great and doing your job. Thank you for being there and for when you do send that egg reeling down my fallopian tubes.
But we need to have a little discussion.
I know you have been diagnosed as being polycystic. I can see for myself that little "string of pearls" on you that every doctor seems to point out. It seems to me that this has caused you two to be the laziest ovaries I have ever seen. I know you have been poked and prodded and worked to death in there but do you think you can speed things up a bit each month? Its CD 21 and still nothing. Back on CD 18 I went in to take a peek (thanks to another false lh surge) and only a 10 mm hanging out in you. What is the deal? I have even endured the hormonal wackiness and terrible night sweats of increasing my Clomid...and have been on lookout for the nearest bathroom ever since I went back on the Metformin for you. I also have been pushing the stroller every morning running 4 or so miles to try and get you to work better. Don't you feel the love?
I never thought in a million years I'd see this much of you (it sure is expensive to keep this up)...but I am going back again tomorrow to see if you've pulled some slack and produced any follicles worth triggering. Please please please start behaving so we can get the ball rolling.
...Then I can have a nice little discussion with my uterus...
Monday, June 25, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Calendar Dates
The date is here. My final due date to pass.
June 18th..the day after Father's Day...the day I would have delivered.
I can still see the star I had drawn on this date in my planner. Too nervous to write "baby due" as if I were to jinx myself. I can see where I furiously erased it through the tears in the days after my D&C.
I constantly have calendar dates running through my head. Due dates, conception dates, loss dates, appt dates - you name it and this pretty little brain of mine has it engraved in its memory. The last two due dates came and I was already pregnant again - not this time. Maybe that's why it stings just a little more. Maybe its because I remember thinking in September when I got pregnant how far away June was...and now it's here.
I slapped a smile on my face yesterday for Father's Day but today I woke up wishing to just press the fast forward button for a day. I can still picture the baby I would have been having. Heart beating away, waving at me, perfect profile and cutest little nose. Gone ten days later.
Its just so scary to me still because its happened 3 times and they can't find anything wrong. Nothing wrong means nothing to fix if there is a next time.
Today is here, I can't escape it so I will keep busy with my best friend. Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that I don't have to go through this again. On to tomorrow...
June 18th..the day after Father's Day...the day I would have delivered.
I can still see the star I had drawn on this date in my planner. Too nervous to write "baby due" as if I were to jinx myself. I can see where I furiously erased it through the tears in the days after my D&C.
I constantly have calendar dates running through my head. Due dates, conception dates, loss dates, appt dates - you name it and this pretty little brain of mine has it engraved in its memory. The last two due dates came and I was already pregnant again - not this time. Maybe that's why it stings just a little more. Maybe its because I remember thinking in September when I got pregnant how far away June was...and now it's here.
I slapped a smile on my face yesterday for Father's Day but today I woke up wishing to just press the fast forward button for a day. I can still picture the baby I would have been having. Heart beating away, waving at me, perfect profile and cutest little nose. Gone ten days later.
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| I know this is a bad picture, but its all I have. This was 11 weeks, 2 days and the last ultrasound I saw the baby moving and waving. It's hand is at the top next to the head. |
Its just so scary to me still because its happened 3 times and they can't find anything wrong. Nothing wrong means nothing to fix if there is a next time.
Today is here, I can't escape it so I will keep busy with my best friend. Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that I don't have to go through this again. On to tomorrow...
Monday, June 11, 2012
Here we go again... Its CD7
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| They say you're supposed to just have intercourse to get pregnant? I must have missed that memo! |
I have read and followed other blogs that take a picture in the beginning of their cycles of all that they need. Once you lay it all out on one table it sure looks like a lot. And I'm only on a Clomid cycle - nothing in comparison to the "big guns" of infertility.
Clomid 100 mg day 3-7
Met 850 2x/day
Baby Aspirin 1/day
Folic Acid 3x/day
PreNatals
Basal Thermometer
Fertility Monitor
Digital Ovulation Tests (Monitor will often miss my lh surge)
Trigger Shot (after ok from nurse based on follicle scans)
Pre.Seed (to combat side effects of meds)
Progesterone Suppositories
Pregnancy Tests (I prefer the digital...no squinting at lines for this lady)
The chemical pregnancy last month was disappointing, but to be honest I didn't have a good feeling about it. I am more angry that the first 2 cycles this time around were a bust and ruined by the other RE.
Sometimes when people make comments like "my husband sneezes/coughs/stands around me and I get pregnant", it makes me a smidge bitter. I highly doubt my husband sneezing, coughing or standing around me will ever get me pregnant so until then, I will endure all that is pictured above. It stinks, but you know what? It will all be worth it....I know it will.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Results
- Chemical Pregnancy
- Early Miscarriage
- Pregnant one day and not the next
Whatever you want to call it, that's what's happening.
Pregnancy #5 ended just as quickly as it began. Pregnant on Saturday's digital test......not pregnant on Sunday's.
One would think I'd been through enough when it comes to having another baby...apparently not. I can now add this to my list.
HCG down to 6. Have to call my nurse when I start my period to make sure its at 0. We will then discuss next cycle and upping Clomid to 100mg.
Why is this so easy for some and so hard for others?
- Early Miscarriage
- Pregnant one day and not the next
Whatever you want to call it, that's what's happening.
Pregnancy #5 ended just as quickly as it began. Pregnant on Saturday's digital test......not pregnant on Sunday's.
One would think I'd been through enough when it comes to having another baby...apparently not. I can now add this to my list.
HCG down to 6. Have to call my nurse when I start my period to make sure its at 0. We will then discuss next cycle and upping Clomid to 100mg.
Why is this so easy for some and so hard for others?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
I should be
I've got a case of the I should be's today. I think like this often, more than I'd like to admit.
I'm admitting it today.
I should be celebrating my one year old's birthday this week.
I should be sitting here with my five month old.
I should be 36 weeks 2 days along, with a c section scheduled June 18th.
It brings me to tears often for all that has been lost. It brings me to embrace what I have been given.
It makes me remind myself God had a plan for me.
No symptoms this week. Will test this weekend and if not pregnant going to have a big talk with my nurse about being more aggressive.
God has a plan. I try and live in the moment, but I am always aware of what should be....
I'm admitting it today.
I should be celebrating my one year old's birthday this week.
I should be sitting here with my five month old.
I should be 36 weeks 2 days along, with a c section scheduled June 18th.
It brings me to tears often for all that has been lost. It brings me to embrace what I have been given.
It makes me remind myself God had a plan for me.
No symptoms this week. Will test this weekend and if not pregnant going to have a big talk with my nurse about being more aggressive.
God has a plan. I try and live in the moment, but I am always aware of what should be....
Monday, May 21, 2012
The Little Ovary That Could...
What a weekend.
Friday's scan showed that my follie grew! It was about 21 mm (CD 23) and I got another positive on my OPK that morning. So after running downtown for my scan...then to work...then home again... I talked to my nurse that afternoon and they wanted me to trigger that night.
Apparently there are only 2 pharmacies in Chicago that carry the trigger shot on their shelves. They are both downtown. So back into the city I went on Friday - during rush hour - on NA / TO weekend - with my Dad driving me. I was nervous about the road closures, protestors, etc. Nothing like starting out your weekend having your Dad drive you to pick up your fertility meds and having your Mom inject them in you, right?
So with my husband's crazy work schedule with all the protestors in the city things were a little stressful but we squeezed in an IUI Saturday morning. All went well.
About ten days ago I thought I was out for this cycle. That "little ovary that could" worked its magic and here I am starting my two weektorture wait. Fingers crossed!
Friday's scan showed that my follie grew! It was about 21 mm (CD 23) and I got another positive on my OPK that morning. So after running downtown for my scan...then to work...then home again... I talked to my nurse that afternoon and they wanted me to trigger that night.
Apparently there are only 2 pharmacies in Chicago that carry the trigger shot on their shelves. They are both downtown. So back into the city I went on Friday - during rush hour - on NA / TO weekend - with my Dad driving me. I was nervous about the road closures, protestors, etc. Nothing like starting out your weekend having your Dad drive you to pick up your fertility meds and having your Mom inject them in you, right?
So with my husband's crazy work schedule with all the protestors in the city things were a little stressful but we squeezed in an IUI Saturday morning. All went well.
About ten days ago I thought I was out for this cycle. That "little ovary that could" worked its magic and here I am starting my two week
Monday, May 7, 2012
Manic Monday
So let's take a stoll back to Saturday night. I totally started having noticible ovaries and I could tell something was going on. I thought, "holy smokes, something for sure is happening in there". I happily went about my night thinking that the -I will rip your head off in a moments notice- rage and crabbiness given by the Clomid this month was worth it...this was going to be MY month to get pregnant again.
Fast forward to this morning, when that little wonderful smiley face popped up on my OPK telling me "this is it - another picture perfect CD 14 ovulation".
My husband and I hopped in the car and off to the RE we went with visions of ripened follicles dancing in my head.
Not so much.
One piddly 13 mm on my left ovary and multiple 10's hanging out on the right.
That's not the only kicker. I have a small amount of fluid in my uterus...'not good' according to the doctor as she jabbed the wand at my innards while shaking her head in disappoinment at my bodies reaction to the upped dosage. Apparently this fluid can impede on implantation and I will definitely be lowering my dose back down next month.
Cue the tears as I sat in her office frustrated and confused. How could I have a lh surge with such small follicles? Now I can't even rely on those? What the heck is with the fluid? And the ovulation pain? And the giant random temp spike this morning with no signs of ovulation on the ultrasound?
She didn't count me out for the cycle, but it doesn't sound good.
I put a call into the nurse to see if I can get in again this week to check on that follicle and see if the fluid magically disappeared. Of course she didn't call me back.
It kinda feels like I walked under a ladder while a black cat crossed my path after spilling salt on the mirror I just cracked on Friday the 13th.
Fast forward to this morning, when that little wonderful smiley face popped up on my OPK telling me "this is it - another picture perfect CD 14 ovulation".
My husband and I hopped in the car and off to the RE we went with visions of ripened follicles dancing in my head.
Not so much.
One piddly 13 mm on my left ovary and multiple 10's hanging out on the right.
That's not the only kicker. I have a small amount of fluid in my uterus...'not good' according to the doctor as she jabbed the wand at my innards while shaking her head in disappoinment at my bodies reaction to the upped dosage. Apparently this fluid can impede on implantation and I will definitely be lowering my dose back down next month.
Cue the tears as I sat in her office frustrated and confused. How could I have a lh surge with such small follicles? Now I can't even rely on those? What the heck is with the fluid? And the ovulation pain? And the giant random temp spike this morning with no signs of ovulation on the ultrasound?
She didn't count me out for the cycle, but it doesn't sound good.
I put a call into the nurse to see if I can get in again this week to check on that follicle and see if the fluid magically disappeared. Of course she didn't call me back.
It kinda feels like I walked under a ladder while a black cat crossed my path after spilling salt on the mirror I just cracked on Friday the 13th.
Bad luck can't last forever.
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