Calendar Dates

The date is here. My final due date to pass.
June 18th..the day after Father's Day...the day I would have delivered.
I can still see the star I had drawn on this date in my planner. Too nervous to write "baby due" as if I were to jinx myself. I can see where I furiously erased it through the tears in the days after my D&C.

I constantly have calendar dates running through my head. Due dates, conception dates, loss dates, appt dates - you name it and this pretty little brain of mine has it engraved in its memory.  The last two due dates came and I was already pregnant again - not this time. Maybe that's why it stings just a little more. Maybe its because I remember thinking in September when I got pregnant how far away June was...and now it's here.

I slapped a smile on my face yesterday for Father's Day but today I woke up wishing to just press the fast forward button for a day. I can still picture the baby I would have been having. Heart beating away, waving at me, perfect profile and cutest little nose. Gone ten days later.




I know this is a bad picture, but its all I have. This was 11 weeks, 2 days and the last ultrasound I saw the baby moving and waving. It's hand is at the top next to the head.

Its just so scary to me still because its happened 3 times and they can't find anything wrong. Nothing wrong means nothing to fix if there is a next time.

Today is here, I can't escape it so I will keep busy with my best friend.  Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that I don't have to go through this again. On to tomorrow...

Here we go again... Its CD7

They say you're supposed to just have intercourse to get pregnant?
I must have missed that memo!

I have read and followed other blogs that take a picture in the beginning of their cycles of all that they need.  Once you lay it all out on one table it sure looks like a lot. And I'm only on a Clomid cycle - nothing in comparison to the "big guns" of infertility.

Clomid 100 mg day 3-7

Met 850 2x/day

Baby Aspirin 1/day

Folic Acid 3x/day

PreNatals

Basal Thermometer

Fertility Monitor

Digital Ovulation Tests (Monitor will often miss my lh surge)

Trigger Shot (after ok from nurse based on follicle scans)

Pre.Seed (to combat side effects of meds)

Progesterone Suppositories

Pregnancy Tests (I prefer the digital...no squinting at lines for this lady)

The chemical pregnancy last month was disappointing, but to be honest I didn't have a good feeling about it. I am more angry that the first 2 cycles this time around were a bust and ruined by the other RE.

Sometimes when people make comments like "my husband sneezes/coughs/stands around me and I get pregnant", it makes me a smidge bitter.  I highly doubt my husband sneezing, coughing or standing around me will ever get me pregnant so until then, I will endure all that is pictured above. It stinks, but you know what? It will all be worth it....I know it will.

Results

- Chemical Pregnancy
               - Early Miscarriage
                          - Pregnant one day and not the next

Whatever you want to call it, that's what's happening.

Pregnancy #5 ended just as quickly as it began. Pregnant on Saturday's digital test......not pregnant on Sunday's.

One would think I'd been through enough when it comes to having another baby...apparently not. I can now add this to my list.

HCG down to 6. Have to call my nurse when I start my period to make sure its at 0. We will then discuss next cycle and upping Clomid to 100mg.

Why is this so easy for some and so hard for others?

I should be

I've got a case of the I should be's today. I think like this often, more than I'd like to admit.
I'm admitting it today.

I should be celebrating my one year old's birthday this week.

I should be sitting here with my five month old.

I should be 36 weeks 2 days along, with a c section scheduled June 18th.

It brings me to tears often for all that has been lost. It brings me to embrace what I have been given.
It makes me remind myself God had a plan for me.
No symptoms this week. Will test this weekend and if not pregnant going to have a big talk with my nurse about being more aggressive.

God has a plan. I try and live in the moment, but I am always aware of what should be.... 

The Little Ovary That Could...

What a weekend.

Friday's scan showed that my follie grew! It was about 21 mm (CD 23) and I got another positive on my OPK that morning. So after running downtown for my scan...then to work...then home again... I talked to my nurse that afternoon and they wanted me to trigger that night.

Apparently there are only 2 pharmacies in Chicago that carry the trigger shot on their shelves. They are both downtown. So back into the city I went on Friday - during rush hour - on NA / TO weekend - with my Dad driving me. I was nervous about the road closures, protestors, etc. Nothing like starting out your weekend having your Dad drive you to pick up your fertility meds and having your Mom inject them in you, right?

So with my husband's crazy work schedule with all the protestors in the city things were a little stressful but we squeezed in an IUI Saturday morning. All went well.

About ten days ago I thought I was out for this cycle. That "little ovary that could" worked its magic and here I am starting my two week torture wait. Fingers crossed!

Manic Monday

So let's take a stoll back to Saturday night.  I totally started having noticible ovaries and I could tell something was going on. I thought, "holy smokes, something for sure is happening in there". I happily went about my night thinking that the -I will rip your head off in a moments notice- rage and crabbiness given by the Clomid this month was worth it...this was going to be MY month to get pregnant again.
Fast forward to this morning, when that little wonderful smiley face popped up on my OPK telling me "this is it - another picture perfect CD 14 ovulation".
My husband and I hopped in the car and off to the RE we went with visions of ripened follicles dancing in my head.
Not so much.
One piddly 13 mm on my left ovary and multiple 10's hanging out on the right.
That's not the only kicker. I have a small amount of fluid in my uterus...'not good' according to the doctor as she jabbed the wand at my innards while shaking her head in disappoinment at my bodies reaction to the upped dosage. Apparently this fluid can impede on implantation and I will definitely be lowering my dose back down next month.
Cue the tears as I sat in her office frustrated and confused. How could I have a lh surge with such small follicles? Now I can't even rely on those? What the heck is with the fluid? And the ovulation pain? And the giant random temp spike this morning with no signs of ovulation on the ultrasound?
She didn't count me out for the cycle, but it doesn't sound good.
I put a call into the nurse to see if I can get in again this week to check on that follicle and see if the fluid magically disappeared. Of course she didn't call me back.

It kinda feels like I walked under a ladder while a black cat crossed my path after spilling salt on the mirror I just cracked on Friday the 13th.

Bad luck can't last forever.  

The Other Half

Often times "the other half" of this infertility/loss equation is forgotten about. Everyone asking, "how is Kate doing?" I can even get wrapped up in all these appointments and medicines and research that I too forget how my husband is doing. Afterall, he has been through more in the 4 years of our marriage than we ever thought we would have.
He will the first to admit that it is different for him than me, I had a greater connection to the babies than him. I know he has some scars on his heart from all of this...

He was at work when he got a phone call from his wife telling him his baby had no heartbeat anymore...three times.
He had to watch doctors deliver his baby that came way too soon.
He has sat with me surgery after surgery...knowing what sadness the days and weeks to come would bring us.
He has had to call the funeral homes and make arrangements for the remains when I was too fragile to take care of it.
He hears me sobbing into the pillows some nights when I doubt myself and the strength we have to continue.
He has to find the words to make me feel better when I get news of another pregnancy announcement or as each due date comes and goes.
He has to be the strong half when I am not.

He had told me many times that if we only have Nora that is fine and we will be happy and focused on what God has given us rather than what we don't have. I know he means it...but seeing him with her and the bond they have makes me want another that much more.

We have been warned by doctors that this can tear marriages apart. We have been told to seek counseling if we need it.  I know we didn't expect to be going through this but I feel just the opposite.

 It has made us stronger.

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One of my favorite blogs Our Pathway to Parenthood nominated me for the "One Lovely Blog" award. This is one of my favorite blogs (she also was born with a septum) that really inspires me that I am on the right path. Thank You!

One of the rules to this away is that you have to write 7 random facts about yourself and then nominate blogs you seem fit. Here are my random facts and nominations coming soon!
1. I am left handed
2. I went to the largest all girls high school in the country
3. I enjoy running (these days its more like jogging) in my free time
4. I am an only child
5. My singing sounds like nails on a chalkboard
6. I'd rather watch paint dry than watch a soccer game
7. I like to read at night and am currently on book 3 of the "Fifty Shades" trilogy...I know, scandalous.