Friday, August 17, 2012

"Doctor's Orders"

Walking into an operating room is scary stuff. Downright intimidating.  I usually hold it together until I step foot into that room.

The water works start flowing in full force.  I don't know if it's the emotional stress of going over my "not so pretty" obstetrical history for the past few hours with 15 different people or if its the instruments and tools starting me in the face that start the tears. Maybe its the anesthesiologist asking if I have a living will...or the 7 or 8 people shooting orders and medical jargon at each other, but I immediately start crying every time.

I lay down on the gurney sniffing and shaking as the tears silently rolled off my cheeks. The anesthesiologist was already prepping me for the meds.  My OB performing the surgery walked in and saw me...held my hand...looked me in the eyes and said "Katie, you will be okay...don't give up".

I was starting to drift off already and couldn't form the words in response...but in my head I was trying to say "I won't...I won't give up".





21 comments:

  1. Oh, sweetie, this made me cry! I've only had one D&C but I now without a shadow of a doubt that I never want to go through that again. I can't imagine going through it as many times as you have.

    The fact that you can say you won't give up after facing defeat over and over shows how strong you really are. You are amazing and you will have a baby in your arms one day.

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  2. I know that feeling, it starts in the back of your throat, and grows to full sobs... They gave me a drug to clam me down beofre leading me into the room... I was out of it but remembered the view of that room, I will never forget it. I have been there now 3 times, it kills me to think every time I see two lines I could be there again... But we press on, we are build for good and we are going to make a little one, some day, you and I will both be able to hold our little ones because we are bringing them home, i agree with SM, we are strong. Thank you for the kind words you said, I really so needed that little push of kindness, thank you.

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  3. I know the exact feeling...been there twice before. :( I also got a calming drug before hitting that room though and only remember a few minutes before I was waking up thankfully. You have such a great attitude. Don't give up, girlie. Never ever give up. I hope your recovery is going ok. I'm still thinking about you and praying for you every day.

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  4. Thinking about you. I too have been there so many times. Thankfully off the roller coaster now. I was pregnant NINE times. Thankfully I was able to get my daughter and a set of twins.
    I didn't give up and neither will you but I know how hard it can be at times.
    Hoping for your healing.

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  5. I have had similar experiences; I start crying after I wake up from anesthesia after a surgery or procedure. I think, for me, I'm just so relaxed from the meds that I can't hold back my tears like I can when I'm fully awake and alert. I may want to cry during a normal day but I'm too in control of my emotions to let go.

    You sound like such a strong person in your blog; I know you won't give up. I won't give up either. We'll keep fighting together.

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  6. This post makes me cry, for so many reasons. It brings back so many memories for me of the 3 times I had to face the OR for a D&C. I always cried for one reason or the other as well - simply scared of being in there, the reason why I was there, and the compassion my doctor and everyone else in the room were showing me. I couldn't get knocked out fast enough. It also makes me cry for you because I'm so sad you have to go through this yet again. I love that you still have that fight in you, and that you aren't ready to give up yet. Don't ever give up. I have faith this will work out for you...someday, somehow. ((hugs))

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  7. ((hugs)) I know you won't give up. You are such a strong women, and you have gone through so much. You will succeed.

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  8. This makes me cry too..Because I know the feelings that come before and after that dreaded surgery, because your Dr. is so kind and compassionate, and because of your strength and determination to keep going. You are amazing and I do believe you will come out on the other side of this with the desire of you heart, you just can't give up. And you won't.

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  9. My first D&C a few weeks ago sounded exactly like this. The last thing I remember is sobbing as they put the mask on my face, squeezing the doctors hand, and asking her to be gentle. I'm sorry this was so hard and that things turned out like this. I just hope you are not alone in this.

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  10. (((Hugs))) I will be here cheering you on! You are an amazing person with an incredible amount of strength! I am so glad you have an OB who is so supportive & caring! Thinking of you and your DH!!

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  11. Some day all of this will be a distant memory. And the reason for all of this will be clear. That some day WILL come. You will get there. Youre not alone. Hugs to you and Larry. Miss you!

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  12. I am always amazed at the strength of the woman on the blogs that I read. You are one of those women. I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through physically, emotionally, and mentally, but your day is coming. Until then, I hope you can find some comfort in your little one and knowing how much each of us are thinking of you!

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  13. Wow, this post just made me cry. Don't give up. What an awesome doc. You are so strong hon - hang in there, it will all be worth it in the end. ((HUGS))

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  14. I hear you. I woke up crying without a memory or a realization of when I started to cry. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, and I'm sorry that everyone else here can relate, as well. (Unfortunately, I did not begin the process with sobs. The relaxant made me jabber on like a drunken fool about inane topics. My only consolation is that I never saw the nurse and anesthesiologist again.)

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  15. Incredibly hard. Your Ob's words will stay with me as well. Much love.

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  16. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  17. I wish you didn't have to know this pain, but your words of hope inspire. Blessings to you, dear Katie, as you heal and move forward. <3

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  18. I'm so sorry..... I've also come to hate operating rooms after an ectopic removal and a d&c.
    thinking of you

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  19. Late to comment--((hug)) I hope the tears aren't coming quite as often now. I'm so sorry.

    On a technical level, do they give you any relaxation meds before you go into the OR? They typically give me Valium or something. Makes me not care about anything, which is invaluable at those times.

    Really sorry. :(

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  20. The OR is terrifying to me too. Sending prayers for healing and lots of ((hugs)).

    ICLW #7

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  21. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I actually freak out about surgery so bad that they give me "something to help me relax" before I even get in the OR. I am grateful for this because I don't have any memories of that horrible room. I hope this is the end of the horrible time for you. Sending you lots of healing vibes.

    ICLW #41

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