Hurdles

Seems like every time I turn the corner to the straight away, another damn hurdle pops up. My "less than stellar" reproductive system has thrown another wrench into things.

Finally I had enough waiting and made an appt to have bloodwork and ultrasound to see what going on with this cycle. It's almost 7 weeks post d and c no period in sight. Temps were still low too so I knew it wasn't coming anytime soon.

Another hurdle. A 34 mm cyst on my right ovary.  They found it on Tuesday and wanted to give it a couple days to see if I'd ovulate from it.
Hahaha, funny.....That would have been too easy for me. It laughed at that idea and even grew a little. It's inactive but I am starting Provera tonight to induce a period and hopefully shrink it back down. My lining is super thick and my ute is in need of a good cleaning. Out with the old, in with the new.

Ready to move forward...but wishing I'd quit running into these damn hurdles.

Happy PCOS awareness month to me....as if the Metformin side effects weren't horrid enough.

Lightening Bolts

I can't tell you enough how great I've been feeling lately. I have no idea how or why but I have been really feeling like myself again. We have had some amazing weekends, full of laughter, family and friends. Taking a mini break from all the stress sure has done me some good. Once in a while thoughts of the next cycle creep in and I immediately block them out because I can feel myself start to worry.  I was even supposed to call the nurse today to induce my period but I am going to wait a bit...enjoy living for a while.

It sure is crazy though. I'll be skipping right along and BAM something pops out of nothing and it hits you like a ton of bricks, like a lightening bolt zapped you from the sky.

It could be another "oops we weren't even trying for number three pregnancy annoucement on Facebook" (seems to happen all the time these days)
It could be the "man when are you two going to have another kid" question (like I had over the weekend)
It could be the pregnant person complaining about how hard their baby is kicking.

You never know when it's going to hit. Today I got this in the mail. Thinking it was an invitation I unassumingly opened...

The sad thing? There were four envelopes for me. Each containing an invite, but not for a party one would want to be on the guest list for.

Like a lightening bolt...out of no where that reminds you of your reality.

For some reason though, I have been handling it. Maybe I have been struck too many times now and have had enough...or I've learned these things are always going to happen and I need to handle them. I know there will be days ahead where I will cry, call my best friend in tears or come here to release some of the huge weight I now bear on my shoulders.

But for these lightening bolts?  I've got to brush them off, wait for the sun to reappear and keep on going.

And that's exactly what I am doing.

Officially....

Unpregnant

Seems like I'm either waiting for the two lines to appear or waiting for them to disappear...doesn't it?

I'm happy to be running again.

I'm happy to be doctor appointment free for the next few weeks.

I'm happy that I decided not to track my hcg so I don't have to analyze my numbers going down.

I'm happy fall is here (stay away Chicago winter)...

It's been four weeks since my d and c. My period should come in the next two weeks and I have to call my nurse next week to check in. When it does we will be full steam ahead.

Four weeks ago. I feel like it takes so long to reset my body/hormones but I'm trucking along nicely. 

Just enjoying life. 

             And waiting for the chance to see those two lines of hope once again...

The Plan...Version 6.0

You got that right folks. Met the RE to talk about the miscarriage and plan for hopefully my 6th pregnancy. 6th pregnancy... I would have bet my life savings I never thought I'd say those words!

The timing of this appointment came at exactly two years to the day since Larry and I decided to start trying again.  Exactly one year since my septum removal surgery. I can remember right where we were. Out for a walk after dinner and he brought up trying again. I wasn't quite ready to try yet, but since I had trouble the first time I gave in. I remember saying things like "I would like the kids 'x' years apart"...or "I would like to get pregnant during 'x' month so I wont be pregnant during this holiday".

What the hell was I thinking?? How blind and naive was I that any of this would be up to me...and here I am exactly two years later and still planning and plotting and wishing and hoping for something that is clearly not up to me.

That's the beauty though about what I've realized...it's not up to me. There is nothing else I can do! So with this next plan I am going to try and live my life normally and let everything else fall into place. Much easier said than done when so much is invested but I am going to try. Baby steps. I know there will be days where I am stressed and anxious...that is a given. It's always going to be here, on my brain at some degree.  I just can't let it control me anymore.

So at the RE we discussed:

*The blighted ovum was more than likely a bad egg or sperm. No medicine or medical intervention would have helped.
*In all his years he has never had a patient not respond to that many doses of Misprostol. Grrr. I felt my blood boiling just thinking about it...but I let it go.
*Once I get my period (I will call if I don't get in two more weeks) I will be taking 100mg of Clomid for 7 days instead of 5 to hopefully push up ovulation sooner in my cycle. Any other bloggers do this?
*Adding some Vitamin D, CO q 10, and others to hopefully improve egg quality while continuing exercising and running. Continue on Metformin and will be on Lovenox with positive test.
*I was reminded that a Clomid/IUI cycle has about a 10% success rate.

As for now I still have a faint positive on my pregnancy tests (meaning I still have hcg in my system).  It's faint, but still there so I will track that to negative and hope to start a new cycle at the end of the month.

Two years.
Man, I have learned a lot...about what a miracle this truly is. I've learned about myself. My family. My friends. About how strong I can be and how that strength can be tested to its limits. These two years have definitely changed me.

Most importantly I learned how I can't control this...so I am not going to try. I will follow my doctors protocol but I am trying to loosen the death grip this has had on me.

It was strangling me..and I can finally take a breath.

Healing

I had my "post d &c" appointment today with my OB. We had a good long talk about this particular miscarriage.

For me, this particular miscarriage was much easier to handle than my others. The day I found out I was angry, but that was mainly because I was dealt this on top of three other losses. It was much easier for me to see an empty sac on the screen and know it was over than to see a perfectly formed baby lying still, when it's heart was beating just days before.

Maybe it was also what I expected. The second my betas didn't quite double, I knew. Perhaps that is why I was beyond nervous for every appt? Even with the story or two people shared of similar betas and my nurses reassuring me it was okay, I knew it. I knew it wasn't ectopic because I felt exactly where it implanted, and I knew there was never going to be a baby or a heartbeat. Mother's intuition?  I even told my Mom that first week and it was just a matter of time. The waiting throughout this entire process from start to finish is so hard.

Now, this is not to say that blighted ovums are not traumatic to women, I am saying that in my experiences this was easier for me to handle. Any miscarriage is devastating. This is also not to say that I can or would like to endure this, or any other type of miscarriage ever again. Ever. I think I've had my fair share...and then some.

Extreme frustration came with needing another surgery to rid my body of an empty sac after all that medicine that works "95%" of the time. I always fall into that small %. I was just hoping to miscarry on my own and move on so I could be done with it.

We discussed how blighted ovums are usually an error in the chromosomes/genetics and no amount of medicines or blood thinners could have helped it. I am at peace with that. So for now I am healing, going to run a few races with my husband, and enjoy a few drinks on my weekends while we wait some more for my hcg to go back down to zero (which usually takes forever). I will also be turning to this blog to vent and continue connecting with other bloggers. I am so so glad I started this. I have met so many amazing, supportive and strong women from around the globe. This, along with strength given by my friends and family that follow has helped me tremendously.

I did have to chuckle to myself though as my "lucky/unlucky" post was written in good timing....when asked about a future pregnancy my doctor said "it's literally a roll of the dice every time, you just have to get lucky". Almost the exact same words as my RE said to me last week over the phone. As for moving forward I meet with my RE on Tuesday to discuss next steps. 

Moving forward.....again.

Unlucky?... or ...Lucky?

**Warning** I do not often talk about my daughter on this blog, but this post will. If you are a "fellow blogger" and not in a place where you can read about children, feel free to skip this one...I completely understand.


The words "lucky" and "unlucky" are used a lot when people talk about my situation. I have even used them myself.

"This many losses in a row without any medically conclusive answers could just be really bad luck"

"You are so lucky to have Nora. How is she here?"

"Your bad luck is bound to change soon"

"Next time is going to be your lucky one"
 

I struggle myself in how I look at things. Constantly. To be honest, my answer can change almost daily.
 

Four Miscarriages in a row?  For sure unlucky...

Being born with a giant wall in my uterus? Unlucky #2

Not having insurance coverage on any fertility related costs? Unlucky Kate

Having no answers and no genetic reasons to fix this? Yep, bad luck again

Needing surgeries to rid my body of the loss instead of expelling it on its own? Not my lucky day.

 

But you see, when I set my grief aside I can take a step back and look at it a little differently. In 2008, before Nora, I would sit in the clinic and watch women bring their toddlers in for a second chance at luck. I would sit with tears welling and pray "Please, please God, bless us with one, these women are so lucky they have at least one and are coming back for a bonus".

 

And I am too...I am lucky. God has blessed me. I am one of the lucky ones.





I gave birth to a healthy baby girl...

 

 

 

 I get to watch my husband be a Father...

 

 

 

We get to watch her take in all life has to offer...

 

 

 

And when I wasn't feeling so lucky after finding out about my last miscarriage my little girl said,  "Mommy, don't cry...let's just dance!"

 

Seems pretty "lucky" to me...

 

 

Although there are times when its hard for me to see past the "what ifs" and "what should have beens", I remind myself I am in a good place. Do my struggles make me angry/sad/frustrated/doubtful? Yes. I continue to pray that we are blessed again, but if Nora is all we have this family of three is pretty darn lucky.

 

 



 





 

 

 





"Doctor's Orders"

Walking into an operating room is scary stuff. Downright intimidating.  I usually hold it together until I step foot into that room.

The water works start flowing in full force.  I don't know if it's the emotional stress of going over my "not so pretty" obstetrical history for the past few hours with 15 different people or if its the instruments and tools starting me in the face that start the tears. Maybe its the anesthesiologist asking if I have a living will...or the 7 or 8 people shooting orders and medical jargon at each other, but I immediately start crying every time.

I lay down on the gurney sniffing and shaking as the tears silently rolled off my cheeks. The anesthesiologist was already prepping me for the meds.  My OB performing the surgery walked in and saw me...held my hand...looked me in the eyes and said "Katie, you will be okay...don't give up".

I was starting to drift off already and couldn't form the words in response...but in my head I was trying to say "I won't...I won't give up".