Teeter Totter

I often think to myself that I am on a teeter-totter. One day I'm sad about the miscarraiges and all I am enduring and the next I am just so happy that I was able to get pregnant with and have Nora. Today is one of those days that I am just so happy to have her.
After my 2nd miscarriage last June, my sister in law gave me this "blessings bracelet".

 Each time you put it on you are supposed to think of 4 things you are blessed with...one for each bead. I wore it to work on purpose this morning as I felt I needed to recognize some things I am grateful for and these are just four of the many blessing I have other than the obvious (Nora, husband, friends, family, etc).
So here is what I thought of this morning:

1. I am blessed that I was able to watch my Goddaughter be born. She is my best friend's daughter and was born on my birthday. Since I was having a c section with Nora about three weeks later it was truly a special day. Since I will more than likely never have a vaginal birth it was the best gift I have ever been given to watch her be born. Then I was asked to be her Godmother and couldn't have been happier. She is one of the funniest kids I have ever met and I am so lucky to have her.

2. I am blessed that I am able to work part time. I am so grateful that I am able to job share and teach in the a.m. so I am home by noon with Nora. It has never been done in my district so I am so grateful that it was approved and I am able to spend such precious time with my daughter. The years with her are flying by!

3. I am blessed that we are financially able to take the measures we have to try for another successful pregnancy. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments and doctor bills are plentiful these days.  I couldn't imagine those going through this who are not able to seek treatment because they cannot afford it.

4. I am blessed for my Aunt M. A. I am very close with her and my cousins and thank God we are all here and healthy. I don't often get a chance to tell her how blessed I am to have her...but I often think it.

I think it's important that we can all take a minute each day to be thankful for something positive in our lives. It helps us stay focused on the good things since negativity creeps up on us so easily. My hope is that everyone reading this will stop for a second and think of at least one thing they are blessed with.
Not soon after this the teeter totter easily flipped the other way as I couldn't help myself form peeing on a stick this morning.  Not pregnant - just some super awesome progesterone side effects playing tricks on me.  I have to wait until Monday to call my nurse and get her directions on the next cycle. Stay tuned.

Up and down, up and down. So blessed and yet so anxious.

The Score

I would have lost the bet.

Dr. S. - 1      Katie - 0

She was exactly right. Exactly 5 days after my ultrasound I got my LH surge. I have never ovulated this early in a cycle before (CD 15). Even with my metformin/clomid IUI in 2009 it was CD 25. So as you can imagine I was happily surprised. Now let the waiting begin...

In other thoughts, I have been thinking about someone who touched my life without even knowing it. I met her for about three minutes back in September. I have no idea who she is and will never see her again, but I think about her often and wonder how she is doing. It was back at the Fertility Center and I had just finished my 2nd beta for the last pregnancy. When checking out at the desk the receptionist congratulated me on my pregnancy as now I was covered by insurance. I discreetly said thank you as I noticed a woman waiting in line about ten feet behind me. At that time I obviously did not know I would miscarry and felt bad having anyone still in the trenches of IF hearing about my success.
So fast forward to the parking garage as I am paying my ticket and the women in line behind me comes up and congratulates me as she overheard my discussion at the desk. Her eyes immediately filled with tears as she told me she just had her 3rd failed IVF attempt. She had no children. She asked if this was my first pregnancy and I told her "no actually my 4th but its a long story and I have a long road ahead of me". She said "I would give anything to be pregnant".  I told her I would pray for her - she looked like she had lost hope. I never thought I'd still be thinking of her today.

My heart broke for her. The look of desperation and such pure, raw sadness in her eyes is what I often think about. How this horrible disease has so many people under its spell. Its just not fair.
I think about if she kept going, if she tried again and if she will beat her battle. I wonder if she held on to any hope she had left as sometimes that four letter word likes to quickly leave our lives. I just want to scream it sometimes..ITS JUST NOT FAIR!

On that day back in September I didn't think I'd have lost that baby too. I didn't think that I'd once again be praying for a positive beta. I'm still holding on to my hope!

Onto my 2ww...

Green Light...GO

Well I've got the green light.
The Dr. came in herself to do my ultrasound. I couldn't believe she was coming in again, but apparently she is very hands on and wants to be paged every time one of her patients has anything done so she can do it herself. She said things look great for CD 10. I have 2 dominant follicles on the left ovary both measuring about 11 mm. She is estimating I will get my LH surge in five days. I wanted to bet her on it, but didn't think challenging her to a gamble was appropriate... My guess would be in about 10 days, but we shall see.

The pathology report was in...and again no answers. There was no found cause of death for the babies. Since nothing indicates blood clotting issues she is not putting me on blood thinners at this time. She said we would revisit that issue if God forbid I have it happen again. Although she has said there are no guarantees she is staying positive for this next time. Once I get a positive test she wants to monitor me very closely herself. Then if I make it that far I will be off to a High Risk OB at about 14 weeks or so. I have a lot of steps until I get to that point, so I don't want to get ahead of myself. Sometimes the "what ifs" can really get to me.

So for now its just monitoring in the next week or two followed by some progesterone twice a day after my surge.  I'm scared but ready to face this.

And for the record..the Clomid has made me borderline craaaazy. I am on an emotional roller coaster this week...and just trying to ride it out. At least I warned my friends it was coming!

Deep Breath...Its CD1

CD1 (Cycle Day 1)
A fresh start.
Part of me is a little torn since we are still waiting on those test results on the tissue but I am ready to try again. I will begin the Clomid on Thursday. Let's hope I can bypass the hormonal craziness and moodiness associated with the drug. I don't THINK it affected me that bad last time, well..maybe I should ask my husband. At least I can just "blame it on the hormones".
I go back to Dr. Stephenson on the 15th to check to see how my follicles are responding to the meds and to go over results and a plan. A little frustrating b/c I know my body and I know on day 10 nothing will be happening yet but they still want me to come in. I hope she does let me try this cycle and she doesn't change her mind b/c all the tests may not be in - if that's the case all bets are off on any hormonal outbursts or fits of rage in her office.

So now I need to take a deep breath and get ready to get this ball rolling yet once again.
I know I can carry a baby full term. I know I can get pregnant on my own. I just have to get these two things to work together . I am armed with a full stock of OPK's so I'll just have to wait and pray...

Since before Nora I have worn these two medals pinned to my bra everyday. I never take them off.

The one on the left is a "miracle" medal from Mexico, given to me by my sister in law. The one on the right is a medal of St. Gerard, the patron saint of expectant Mothers. My Mom also wore one everyday while pregnant with me. Prayer is keeping me going.

I fall asleep every night praying the rosary. It gives me a sense of calm. I of course give thanks for what I have been given... for Nora, for my family, and for our health. I have found that a key word in much of my prayer is UNEVENTFUL.  I pray hard in asking that I am able to get pregnant again, for an uneventful pregnancy, a smoothe delivery and hospital stay, and a healthy full term baby to take home. Even with Nora my hospital stay and first ten days with her were full of stress and worry. (I'll have to digress on that another day). 

I pray that I can find strength in the days ahead. To give me some sense of calm, that it will all be okay no matter how things turn out. Afterall, now it's not in my hands anymore. There is only so much I can do and the rest of out of my control. It's in God's hands and all I can do is pray and let my journey unfold.

Ahhhhhhh....Deep Breath....... 

Just Try Not To Think About It

Over the past three years I've had quite a number of people tell me, "just try not to think about it and it will happen"....or "don't let it take over your life". This isn't as easy as it seems, especially since the second I open my eyes the reality of the situation hits me. The first thing I have to do every morning is stick my hand out from under my blankets, grab the thermometer and take my temperature. This is before I even utter a word, move, or open my mouth...and within the same fifteen minute time frame each morning.
After that its off to the bathroom to empty the contents of my bladder onto a stick where I then plug it into a machine to tell me where I'm at in terms of ovulation. I better make sure I didn't drink too much water the night before because that means lying there hoping my bladder doesn't implode while I wait for the 15 minute window to arrive.
Next is off to my laptop where I enter my temps and chart my BBT's before I forget them. Last on my morning list is heading over to my old lady pill box where I start taking my meds for the day...they have to be taken with breakfast or I'll be sick to my stomach all morning.
And these are only the things I do before 7 a.m.
Every single day.
Kind of hard not to think about all of this when this is how I get up every morning. Of course I'm used to the routine by now, but I will never "not think about it". People struggling with infertility or miscarriages have to think about it...because they have to be our own advocates. In our cases that little stork just doesn't drop that baby wrapped in a blanket off at our doorstep. We're not talking about getting a new shirt at the mall or changing the oil in my car...we're talking about having a baby and adding to our family. So I'm not going to "relax" or "not think about it" as many people oh so kindly suggest.
I wish I didn't have to but I think about it all the time. I always will.
Every. Single. Day.

Good News...I guess?

I just got back from my jam packed day with Dr. Stephenson. I really really hope this is the last of any testing or uterine procedures I have for a while. The lower half of my anatomy sure has been on a hell ride the last few years!
First on my plate was the hysteroscopy/biopsy where she got up close and personal in my uterus clicking away with her camera. I opted for no meds, since I had an ultrasound and follow up with her afterward and wanted to be coherent and not have to rely on my husband for all the details. I could only imagine what he'd tell me if that were the case!
Everything looked great. I had a small "bridge" as she called it where my septum was removed but its vascular and definitely nothing to remove during a surgery. Phew! Minimal scar tissue, large uterine cavity, and I do NOT have PCOS. I had plenty of follicles on both ovaries and a think uterine lining.
All of my blood work is normal. No blood clotting issues, no thyroid issues and everything looks great on paper. But we are still missing some pieces of the puzzle. She needs the chromosome / pathology results from the miscarriages. They just received them this week and will be sent to CA now. If there was clotting in the placentas then I will be on heparin and if not....well that means there is nothing medically wrong with me that I can't carry a baby full term. But that also means that there is nothing to change as far as a plan for me.
So here are my next steps:
Folic Acid 3xday
PreNatals
Baby Aspirin 81mg
Clomid 25 mg starting day 3 of my next period, which should be in two weeks from now. Go figure...my luck again...the only time I've ovulated on my own without meds in my entire reproductive career was yesterday..when I am benched from getting pregnant.
I'll go on day 10-12 of next cycle for a follicular ultrasound and follow up with her to get the results of those remaining tests. We will then discuss what will happen if I do get pregnant again. So I guess the good news is that so far there is nothing majorly wrong...but I can't stop from thinking, then why have I miscarried 3 times in a row? Why didn't they make it? I guess I may never know.
I need to get myself into a positive mind frame because I am scared.
I am scared to get pregnant again.

Testing, Testing, 1. 2. 3.

My initial consult with the "miscarriage whisperer" as she's been called in books was a few weeks ago.  I wanted to document some of the tests she is running on me and for reference to anyone else finding themselves in this position. I feel like every six months I go through test after test after test...
*Restesting Fetal Chromosomes.  I had my first and third miscarriage tested. I think for the second one I was in such shock that it happened again that I just had my husband take care of arrangements with the funeral home and didn't even think about testing. Anyways, they were not able to grow cells from either culture therefore no results were found. Hospitals keep tissue in wax blocks for 20 years. We are having those wax blocks extracted and sent to California to see if they can get DNA from the tissue. I am not holding my breath too long for these results as many times they still are not able to get results.  I will also be able to find out the genders of the babies so I know that's going to be a hard pill to swallow. I have my hunches so hopefully knowing if I was right will give me some closure. We'll see.
*She also wants to take a closer look if I really do have PCOS. I've retaken some hormone tests,  fasting insulin/glucose and will have an ultrasound of my ovaries on Thursday. She has taken me off the metformin too. The newest clincal research study just proved that Clomid is still the number one drug to induce ovulation...so she is taking me off metformin and I will be on Clomid once I can try to get pregnant again. It was hard for me to accept going off if since I don't ovulate without it...but man oh man did that drug make me sick for the past two years- so I don't miss that!
*Thyroid numbers.  She will treat a TSH number over 2.5 and my last two non-pregnant numbers were 3.08 and 2.8. The numbers climb higher during pregnancy so she wants to look closer at that.
*Re-testing all non-inherited blood clotting tests.
*Hysteroscope to look for scar tissue, infection and residual septum. And yes, I will be awake and watching with her.
*Endometrial Biopsy
I go Thursday for the hysteroscope/biopsy/ultrasound and follow up. Fun day, huh? I am anxious so send your prayers and good thoughts my way please. Just as my luck has gone these days the hospital where I had my D &C's screwed up and only sent out my slides to pathology...and never sent the wax blocks out for the DNA. So I won't have those results as they are just being sent now. Should have been done 4 weeks ago. I was so mad when I found out, but I guess at least they found them as many times they are lost. I am TRYING to stay positive in 2012...My luck has to change at some point!
I have been given the red light in trying to get pregnant until she has a plan for me. It's so hard having the red light! She has told me I will be on Clomid and I do know I will be monitored and followed very closely next pregnancy.  In the meantime I'd love to ask a certain Mr. Cruise if I could have his ultrasound machine on stand by for when the time comes...