A Letter To My Ovaries

Dear Ovaries,

We sure do have a love/hate relationship, don't we?  When I see that smiley face pop up on the digital sticks and my temperature rise I want to jump with joy and hug you. That is such a great feeling, that you are working great and doing your job. Thank you for being there and for when you do send that egg reeling down my fallopian tubes.

But we need to have a little discussion.

I know you have been diagnosed as being polycystic. I can see for myself that little "string of pearls" on you that every doctor seems to point out. It seems to me that this has caused you two to be the laziest ovaries I have ever seen. I know you have been poked and prodded and worked to death in there but do you think you can speed things up a bit each month? Its CD 21 and still nothing. Back on CD 18 I went in to take a peek (thanks to another false lh surge) and only a 10 mm hanging out in you. What is the deal? I have even endured the hormonal wackiness and terrible night sweats of increasing my Clomid...and have been on lookout for the nearest bathroom ever since I went back on the Metformin for you. I also have been pushing the stroller every morning running 4 or so miles to try and get you to work better. Don't you feel the love?

I never thought in a million years I'd see this much of you (it sure is expensive to keep this up)...but I am going back again tomorrow to see if you've pulled some slack and produced any follicles worth triggering. Please please please start behaving so we can get the ball rolling.

...Then I can have a nice little discussion with my uterus...

Calendar Dates

The date is here. My final due date to pass.
June 18th..the day after Father's Day...the day I would have delivered.
I can still see the star I had drawn on this date in my planner. Too nervous to write "baby due" as if I were to jinx myself. I can see where I furiously erased it through the tears in the days after my D&C.

I constantly have calendar dates running through my head. Due dates, conception dates, loss dates, appt dates - you name it and this pretty little brain of mine has it engraved in its memory.  The last two due dates came and I was already pregnant again - not this time. Maybe that's why it stings just a little more. Maybe its because I remember thinking in September when I got pregnant how far away June was...and now it's here.

I slapped a smile on my face yesterday for Father's Day but today I woke up wishing to just press the fast forward button for a day. I can still picture the baby I would have been having. Heart beating away, waving at me, perfect profile and cutest little nose. Gone ten days later.




I know this is a bad picture, but its all I have. This was 11 weeks, 2 days and the last ultrasound I saw the baby moving and waving. It's hand is at the top next to the head.

Its just so scary to me still because its happened 3 times and they can't find anything wrong. Nothing wrong means nothing to fix if there is a next time.

Today is here, I can't escape it so I will keep busy with my best friend.  Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that I don't have to go through this again. On to tomorrow...

Here we go again... Its CD7

They say you're supposed to just have intercourse to get pregnant?
I must have missed that memo!

I have read and followed other blogs that take a picture in the beginning of their cycles of all that they need.  Once you lay it all out on one table it sure looks like a lot. And I'm only on a Clomid cycle - nothing in comparison to the "big guns" of infertility.

Clomid 100 mg day 3-7

Met 850 2x/day

Baby Aspirin 1/day

Folic Acid 3x/day

PreNatals

Basal Thermometer

Fertility Monitor

Digital Ovulation Tests (Monitor will often miss my lh surge)

Trigger Shot (after ok from nurse based on follicle scans)

Pre.Seed (to combat side effects of meds)

Progesterone Suppositories

Pregnancy Tests (I prefer the digital...no squinting at lines for this lady)

The chemical pregnancy last month was disappointing, but to be honest I didn't have a good feeling about it. I am more angry that the first 2 cycles this time around were a bust and ruined by the other RE.

Sometimes when people make comments like "my husband sneezes/coughs/stands around me and I get pregnant", it makes me a smidge bitter.  I highly doubt my husband sneezing, coughing or standing around me will ever get me pregnant so until then, I will endure all that is pictured above. It stinks, but you know what? It will all be worth it....I know it will.

Results

- Chemical Pregnancy
               - Early Miscarriage
                          - Pregnant one day and not the next

Whatever you want to call it, that's what's happening.

Pregnancy #5 ended just as quickly as it began. Pregnant on Saturday's digital test......not pregnant on Sunday's.

One would think I'd been through enough when it comes to having another baby...apparently not. I can now add this to my list.

HCG down to 6. Have to call my nurse when I start my period to make sure its at 0. We will then discuss next cycle and upping Clomid to 100mg.

Why is this so easy for some and so hard for others?