On Edge

I feel like I am constantly waiting for bad news. Every blood test, appointment or phone call is the one that is going to send me reeling to that dreaded place of grief again.

I am completely on edge.

Today's ultrasound left me still standing there. Things were good but it's still so early. The nurse even joked that they torture us by bringing us in so early and often. Ugh - she isn't kidding.

We saw a gestational sac in a perfect spot in my uterus. It was measuring right on target at 5w3d. The tech "thought she saw" a yolk sack but couldn't be sure, so she couldn't count it as one yet. Great. She also saw a little blood in there, far from where the sac is. According to them it's super common and in about 70% of the pregnancies they have. Again, most don't know they have it bc they aren't getting ultrasounds at 5 weeks. it should reabsorb but if I start "bleeding or spotting lightly" don't panic. Right lady. She offered to do an HCG check to help make me feel better. Um, I don't think so, I just stopped obsessing over researching Monday's number.

So according to them, things are looking good for this early in the game. Back again Thursday for another ultrasound.

I don't think I'll ever be able to stand back from this edge.

Quick Sigh Of Relief

Thank you to everyone for all your prayers and such kind words on my last post. I have been so stressed over these numbers...I feel when you have had multiple losses you are always waiting for the bad news...but I can't do anything to change what's going to happen!

I can breathe a quick sigh of relief today...My HCG rose to exactly 1000 yesterday morning. That is a 53 hour doubling time. Again...not perfect, but the nurse was happy with it and I will take it.

So, I will relax for today, but I'm sure the nerves will build back up again for my next step...ultrasound Friday morning. Way too early for a heartbeat, but hopefully they will see a beatiful sac smack in the middle of my new spacious ute.

In the meantime, my "baby" turns three tomorrow. She is a constant reminder that miracles can happen!

Storming the Heavens

What a week.

Many refer to this week as "Beta Hell Week"...Where one sits on pins and needles waiting for the phone to ring and the nurse to dish out your pregnancy fate.

It's an emotionally wrenching place to be and I'm in the thick of it.

A little background for those readers not in the IF community. Your beta measures your hcg (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone. A number over 5 is pregnant and your initial number (in about 85% of normal pregnancies) should double every 2 to 3 days. My particular clinic wants 60% rise in 48 hours. If they start dropping its usually a miscarriage.

Monday's result - hcg 129. Pregnant.

My body allowed for about 2 hours of happiness before worry set in. I had to make sure numbers were doubling. Something that has never been a problem for me before.

Wednesday I was physically shaking I was so nervous. Hcg 215. Not doubling like they normally do. Of course I goo.gled everything imaginable even though the nurse assured me it was fine and it was a 66% rise in 48 hours. I wasn't being too positive. I had to go for another draw Friday.

Today I was calm as can be. I had prayed and told myself "it is what it is" and there is nothing else I can do. I saw my nurse at the clinic this a.m. and we had a good talk about how we can't obsess over the numbers and they are going up, etc. I was angry. 3 late miscarriages, an early chemical, and now this? Today's level up to 395. About an 85% increase or doubling time of 55 hours. My nurse assured me this was okay and to take a deep breath. To me its much better but I'm not out of the woods yet. I will be returning Monday for hopefully my last one.

Monday 129
Wednesday 215 - 66 hr doubling time
Friday 395 - 55 hour doubling time

Pregnant, for now. It's even hard to type. I am scared. Nervous that this will once again be ripped out from under me. The betas are making this even more stressful as now I'm worried about them. They usually skyrocket and more than double for me, but again - that doesn't always work out either. Plus, most women who just get pregnant at home don't even have a clue as to what their numbers might be.

When I first started this blog my only reservation was that since I opened it to friends and family then people would know when I got pregnant. I wouldn't be able to hide it. I've told people right away before, I've tried to hide the obvious growing belly, I've fake drank, etc. all for the sake of not having to "untell" and I usually "untell" anyways.  My struggles are no means a secret, but I am especially very guarded about everything going okay this time.


When talking about this with my Mom and Aunt Mary Ann one day my aunt said "Katie you will have that many more people praying for you. We will storm the heavens".

Well it's time to storm the heavens. Please pray that this turns out okay and that I can find ways to handle my fears. That I am given strength to keep fighting this no matter what happens.  We have been through so much. I do ask that if you do know real life not to discuss it with me unless its through email or commenting on here. I also wish not to pass this info like I'm a regular newly pregnant person. I am not. I am far from it, and obviously can't put a "please keep it a secret clause" on here when its a public blog...but please keep in mind what I am going through. My fears are escalated even more now with these lazy beta numbers.

But for now, or at least until Monday, pregnant - and starting my first Loven.ox injection tonight.....Now, please "go storm the heavens" for me...

Beta Tomorrow

First off, thank you to everyone for your emails, messages and comments telling me your experience with blood thinners. I have an appt. with my doctor on Tuesday to talk more about Loven.ox. I will be able to talk to him about my concerns and discuss more about the side effects then. I do feel better about it though!

Next on my list is my beta blood draw tomorrow. I will be glued to my phone anxiously awaiting the results from my nurse. You know, like checking the phone 87 times to make sure I didn't miss a call...that the ringer is on...and I have a good signal. For those of you not familiar with fertility terms, this will tell me if I'm pregnant or not and what my progesterone levels are. Big stuff and I am praying this cycle worked. I know though that even the most perfect of cycles do not necessarily mean pregnancy. Nothing else to do now except get my blood taken, pray, and wait.

He "lovs" me...he "lovs" me not

Loven.ox
The injectable drug used to thin the blood and prevent clots from forming. Many times after a second or third loss the doctor will run an rpl panel and find either an inherited or acquired blood clotting disorder. I've been tested twice and nothing abnormal found in me or in the placentas. Doctors will sometimes use loved.ox or other blood thinners with unexplained patients like me, believing there is an undiscovered or undiagnosed clotting issue. Tiny clots form over time in the umbilical cord, etc and slowly stop the fetus from growing.

I was told after my second miscarriage to take a baby aspirin next time and if it happened again we may need to look into taking blood thinners...so when it happened again I just assumed that is the course I would take. After all, surely something needs to be done differently since the chances of having 3 losses in a row after ten weeks is under 1% (how's that for my super awesome statistical luck)?

Well, after the last loss I went to that rpl specialist and her words were "if it happens again we will look into thinners." Excuse me? How many more times do I have to have to go through this? These losses are at the second trimester, and they are missed miscarriages which is another indication of clotting issues. That did not settle well with me.

So I went back to my RE who mentioned Loven.ox when he did my septum removal. He now is really reluctant to give it to me because of the risk of stroke and I have nothing on paper to say I absolutely need it. The risk is very low, but then again so is my situation I'm in now...and he says if he keeps dishing it out someone is going to be the one with that happening. I understand his point. My OB thinks I need it and I have yet to meet the MFM I will have when pregnant for their opinion. I lose sleep over it. I feel like I really need to be on it because I don't want to look back if it happens again and think "what if I took it?" I can't help but keep thinking these miscarriages are not happening early. We always see strong heartbeats. I have to do something....but there is the other part of me that is scared. I am a Mom first, and I need to stay healthy for my daughter. I am constantly thinking about it. I know it's not an easy drug to take. Injecting my stomach everyday, bruising, etc...but I feel like I have to do something...something has to be happening and I just have a hard time sitting back the next time.

Anyone in "blogger land" take blood thinners despite no known clotting issues? Or know anyone who does? I worry about this constantly, and will speak more to the docs when I get pregnant again. Although I'm happy there is nothing found that's majorly wrong sometimes I just wish there was something concretely fixable.

Ahhhh big decisions....

IUI - Take 2

Well those little ovaries finally listened to my plea. They cooperated and when I went in Saturday they were just about ready. I triggered last night and am taking it easy now as I had my IUI this morning. Great numbers and my nurse that I love was able to do the IUI for me! We has a good old laugh while my legs were in the stirrups at how once you enter the world of IF nothing is private anymore.

It can take a bit to get used to the idea that you are making a baby with so many other people and factors involved and not in the privacy of your own bedroom. That worry has been out of my head for years, but as I sat in the waiting room I continued to be amazed at the amount of women going down this same road. The emotional marathon where you and your husband aren't the only runners. Doctors, nurses, phlebotimists, ultrasound techs, embryologists....it's dizzying to even think how many people it takes. I sat for over an hour waiting for the sperm to be prepared and I would guess at least 75 women walked in for different appts in those 60 minutes. It floors me. New patients coming in with their heads down, totally unaware of the roller coaster they are about to get on. Older IF veterans on a mission with their arms full of band-aids and scars from years of bloodwork. It's seriously a revolving door of couples all leaving their comfort zones to get the ultimate prize.

My not so private moment this week? When my nurse asked me Saturday "when the last time I cleaned my husbands tubes out"...in front of my Mother. Not much embarrasses me when it comes to this stuff but holy smokes I almost died. We have had a good laugh about it...I just have to keep my eye on the prize.

Now come on swimmers, find that egg!