Video Challange

I've done myself in this time...

While after having a couple drinks on my anniversary, I had on my brave big girl pants and partially signed up for Stupid Stork's video challenge.

She is holding me to it. Holding me to go outside my comfort zone and answer some questions on video. Notice I said some (my Mother and Aunts are wonderful enough to read this blog and so I can't answer all)

I don't like being on video, actually I'd rather be in the stirrups for another HSG than have someone tape me....but here it goes, I do actually make an appearance!

So again, if you haven't visited Stupid Stork yet, I suggest you click that little link above and pay her a visit. She's hysterical and makes me laugh often about how horrible IF can be. Sometimes that is worth more than gold...

In the end I'm glad I took the challenge. It only took three takes...one re-do from laughing and one from crying...Not bad!

Blessings to all...

"C" ing Is Believing

My Weekend...brought to you by the letter C...

is for CYST


The cyst is gone! Hip Hip Hooray! We've been monitoring it this week to see if it left with my period. It was smaller Tuesday but still almost 25mm.  Even though it wasn't producing Estrogen and was inactive I was still leery about starting meds with a cyst. But now I don't even have to worry because that nasty little thing shrank even more.

is for CLOMID



Starting the Clomid today. 100 mg for 7 days instead of five. This time is SO much different. I am not worrying about every little thing. The wait to start this again was nice. I even thought about pushing back my treatments. Lets not kid ourselves, I'm not getting any younger and the stork doesn't just drop a bundle at your doorstep when you want it so I decided to go for it...and if I'm surprised with a pregnancy and actual baby at the end of it then it will be a true miracle! Now, come on Clomid, show me some love!

is for CINCO

Five year anniversary is tomorrow! I can't believe it..how fast it has gone! The laughter has outweighed our tears...the blessing has outweighed our grief....and one thing is for sure - we are much stronger individually and as a unit as we were five years ago. Cheers to the next five bringing even more joy to our lives.

Infertility Even Affects....

Infertility affects so many aspects of life.

Even your teeth.

At least mine.

Since my first miscarriage almost two years ago, I have begun clenching my jaw while sleeping and grinding my teeth. The anxiety, worry, stress coming forward even when I'm sleeping. I never had that problem before, but now when I wake I can feel my jaw is sore, that my teeth hurt because of the constant clenching.

It all came to a head this week. Monday I started having some tooth and gum pain, I took some tylenol and ignored it. I was at work Thursday and started having the worst "I want to jump out the window or someone shoot me now" pain. The kind of pain the is crippling and had me at my knees writhing and crying out for two days straight. I practically ran in and sat on the dentist's lap waiting for the novicane so I could have relief for an hour. That didn't even work. The major painkillers didn't even put a dent in it. 

Since that tooth already has a root canal on it, the dentist said it is probably fractured from all the tension and grinding, causing an infection and absess. The antibiotics have relieved enough of the pain that I can at least see straight now but the tooth has to come out. The absess may clear but chances are it will come back....and Lord I can't even imagine what would happen if I had this while pregnant. I cannot imagine it.

So since I am clearly not pregnant and awaiting my period still I am going today to get this sucker taken out. My face is all swollen already and I look like I got ran over by a bus from being in agony since Thursday.

Thank you again, infertility....for all the wreckage you have created in my life and in the lives of so many others. You suck.

Hurdles

Seems like every time I turn the corner to the straight away, another damn hurdle pops up. My "less than stellar" reproductive system has thrown another wrench into things.

Finally I had enough waiting and made an appt to have bloodwork and ultrasound to see what going on with this cycle. It's almost 7 weeks post d and c no period in sight. Temps were still low too so I knew it wasn't coming anytime soon.

Another hurdle. A 34 mm cyst on my right ovary.  They found it on Tuesday and wanted to give it a couple days to see if I'd ovulate from it.
Hahaha, funny.....That would have been too easy for me. It laughed at that idea and even grew a little. It's inactive but I am starting Provera tonight to induce a period and hopefully shrink it back down. My lining is super thick and my ute is in need of a good cleaning. Out with the old, in with the new.

Ready to move forward...but wishing I'd quit running into these damn hurdles.

Happy PCOS awareness month to me....as if the Metformin side effects weren't horrid enough.

Lightening Bolts

I can't tell you enough how great I've been feeling lately. I have no idea how or why but I have been really feeling like myself again. We have had some amazing weekends, full of laughter, family and friends. Taking a mini break from all the stress sure has done me some good. Once in a while thoughts of the next cycle creep in and I immediately block them out because I can feel myself start to worry.  I was even supposed to call the nurse today to induce my period but I am going to wait a bit...enjoy living for a while.

It sure is crazy though. I'll be skipping right along and BAM something pops out of nothing and it hits you like a ton of bricks, like a lightening bolt zapped you from the sky.

It could be another "oops we weren't even trying for number three pregnancy annoucement on Facebook" (seems to happen all the time these days)
It could be the "man when are you two going to have another kid" question (like I had over the weekend)
It could be the pregnant person complaining about how hard their baby is kicking.

You never know when it's going to hit. Today I got this in the mail. Thinking it was an invitation I unassumingly opened...

The sad thing? There were four envelopes for me. Each containing an invite, but not for a party one would want to be on the guest list for.

Like a lightening bolt...out of no where that reminds you of your reality.

For some reason though, I have been handling it. Maybe I have been struck too many times now and have had enough...or I've learned these things are always going to happen and I need to handle them. I know there will be days ahead where I will cry, call my best friend in tears or come here to release some of the huge weight I now bear on my shoulders.

But for these lightening bolts?  I've got to brush them off, wait for the sun to reappear and keep on going.

And that's exactly what I am doing.

Officially....

Unpregnant

Seems like I'm either waiting for the two lines to appear or waiting for them to disappear...doesn't it?

I'm happy to be running again.

I'm happy to be doctor appointment free for the next few weeks.

I'm happy that I decided not to track my hcg so I don't have to analyze my numbers going down.

I'm happy fall is here (stay away Chicago winter)...

It's been four weeks since my d and c. My period should come in the next two weeks and I have to call my nurse next week to check in. When it does we will be full steam ahead.

Four weeks ago. I feel like it takes so long to reset my body/hormones but I'm trucking along nicely. 

Just enjoying life. 

             And waiting for the chance to see those two lines of hope once again...

The Plan...Version 6.0

You got that right folks. Met the RE to talk about the miscarriage and plan for hopefully my 6th pregnancy. 6th pregnancy... I would have bet my life savings I never thought I'd say those words!

The timing of this appointment came at exactly two years to the day since Larry and I decided to start trying again.  Exactly one year since my septum removal surgery. I can remember right where we were. Out for a walk after dinner and he brought up trying again. I wasn't quite ready to try yet, but since I had trouble the first time I gave in. I remember saying things like "I would like the kids 'x' years apart"...or "I would like to get pregnant during 'x' month so I wont be pregnant during this holiday".

What the hell was I thinking?? How blind and naive was I that any of this would be up to me...and here I am exactly two years later and still planning and plotting and wishing and hoping for something that is clearly not up to me.

That's the beauty though about what I've realized...it's not up to me. There is nothing else I can do! So with this next plan I am going to try and live my life normally and let everything else fall into place. Much easier said than done when so much is invested but I am going to try. Baby steps. I know there will be days where I am stressed and anxious...that is a given. It's always going to be here, on my brain at some degree.  I just can't let it control me anymore.

So at the RE we discussed:

*The blighted ovum was more than likely a bad egg or sperm. No medicine or medical intervention would have helped.
*In all his years he has never had a patient not respond to that many doses of Misprostol. Grrr. I felt my blood boiling just thinking about it...but I let it go.
*Once I get my period (I will call if I don't get in two more weeks) I will be taking 100mg of Clomid for 7 days instead of 5 to hopefully push up ovulation sooner in my cycle. Any other bloggers do this?
*Adding some Vitamin D, CO q 10, and others to hopefully improve egg quality while continuing exercising and running. Continue on Metformin and will be on Lovenox with positive test.
*I was reminded that a Clomid/IUI cycle has about a 10% success rate.

As for now I still have a faint positive on my pregnancy tests (meaning I still have hcg in my system).  It's faint, but still there so I will track that to negative and hope to start a new cycle at the end of the month.

Two years.
Man, I have learned a lot...about what a miracle this truly is. I've learned about myself. My family. My friends. About how strong I can be and how that strength can be tested to its limits. These two years have definitely changed me.

Most importantly I learned how I can't control this...so I am not going to try. I will follow my doctors protocol but I am trying to loosen the death grip this has had on me.

It was strangling me..and I can finally take a breath.