We're still here...

We are here....things are good...

This picture is a little outdated....but one of my favorites from a few months ago...

I am still trying to figure out my space with this blog..unsure of where to take it. I am still following all of you...praying for you and thinking great thoughts for each appointment you have...

After all it was for such a long time that my space here and the people on here were the only ones who really "got it".

I Finally Got the Results

It took a year and a half, but I finally got the results of the chromosome analysis on two of the babies. We had the slides of the first baby I delivered from Dec of 2010 and the third loss sent to California to see if they could grow any cells. Both initial reports were inconclusive because they could not get any cells to grow...

Normal chromosomes...and both were boys.

Sigh.

 I am just so very grateful that I got this information now...after Avery...than before. That was my fear...that they were going to have no chromosomal issues causing their death.

So now I know. An easier pill to swallow now after all I have been blessed with.

Now in my mind when someone comments on me trying for boys I have my answer....

I already have two boys....maybe even more...and I know I will get to meet them one day.

The New Most Annoying Question....

In the past, I have commented on how I was amazed at the questions and comments that would come out of people's mouths. "When are you going to have kids?"...."When are you going to try for another?"..."Why don't you just do ________?"

I can admit, before trying to start a family I probably have asked someone this as well. Not knowing what that person my be going through and not realizing that IT IS NO ONES BUSINESS!

But now I've had a new question thrown my direction on multiple occasions. It has quite a few different spins on it, but all the same principle.

"So, are you going to try for a boy?"

I just can't believe that someone would think that I wouldn't be content with having two girls. That I would need to try to roll the dice to see if I could have a boy. As if things were less than ideal with two girls and as if I weren't over the moon happy with having the living baby that I prayed and wished and dreamed of.

That day when they told me Nora had a sister I cried my eyes out. Not because it was a girl, or because it wasn't a boy...but because my baby was here. My baby was alive and crying in the background and for the first time in three years I was on the other side of the fence. Leaving the opertaing room with tears of joy rather than tears of sadness.

So to those who ask me if I'm going to try for a boy my answer is simple. I've been to hell and back to have this baby girl and my heart is content and filled with happiness.

That and mind your own damn business.

Four Complete Times

My husband and I were told these exact words by my doctor:

"If we would have waited until Tuesday she would have been dead".

I cannot imagine. Just simply cannot put into words what that would have done to me. Thank God for my Doctor and for the timing of everything.

Since 32 weeks I was having bi weekly NSTs and BPP ultrasounds. The last month of my pregnancy I seriously was over the edge with my anxiety. Scared to death of something happening. The fear NEVER left me. In fact, on Tuesday at my appt. I nearly had a breakdown, begging them to please deliver before anything went wrong...but she passed her tests and I was told everything was fine.

Friday the 12th came and it was time for another NST. Only thing this time she didn't pass. 20 minutes went by on the monitors...40 minutes...then an hour and no heart accelerations. They sent me over to the hospital for another lengthier NST to see if she really was just sleepy or if something else was going on.

38 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I had made it so far..how could something now be wrong? She didn't pass the NST there either, after being on the monitor for another half hour.

"Your Doctor is on his way to deliver this baby now"....

Thank GOD he did and that I had a c section. The cord was wrapped four complete times around her neck. He had never seen a cord wrapped so many times in the 25 years he has been delivering babies. I was told I was extremely lucky I went to my appt that day...that everything played out the way it did.

It really took me a few days to get over the shock and the fear of what could have happened. I laid awake shaking that entire night...but she is here.

Avery Eliana

"God answered"

The Post That Took Me 39 Weeks to Write

I have tried to come here and write this post countless times over the past ten months.

My fingers would freeze, I'd start to cry, and I'd shut the computer off.

That cycle back in October, the one where I went to my follicle scan, missed my ovulation and cancelled my IUI cycle?

I ate my doubtful words, because I became pregnant.

It has been 39 weeks filled with more anxiety than I ever thought possible, with the tiniest bit of excitment bubbling underneath the surface.

There were countless doctors appointments, about 20 something ultrasounds (each one with a good amount of tears both before and afterwards), 270 Lovenox injections, blood draws galore and one blessed and beyond scary delivery that I'll talk about later.

I literally never thought I'd be here. All the losses without answers left me empty and at times without hope. People had started telling me maybe I should just give up and live my life with Nora and be happy.

I'm glad I didn't give up. I hope no one gives up.

Avery Eliana was born July 12...healthy and happy and a perfect rainbow baby girl...

More Than A Doctor.....

Those going through infertility can understand when I say how much faith and trust and respect we give to our RE.  They seem to hold our future families (at least from a scientific aspect) in their hands.

You can understand how hard it was for me to learn that my RE passed away yesterday.

He helped give me my daughter.

He literally held my future in his hands when he performed my septum surgery.

He ran countless tests trying to help find me an answer.

He would hug me and hold my hand when I was scared or mourning another miscarriage.

He would let me cry in his office and then find the words to ease my anxiety.

He told me not to give up...he gave me hope.

He was way more than just a doctor. The tears stream down my cheeks as I remember how much of an impact he had on my life the last four years.  How many families he helped...

I pray he is now watching over me in heaven.

Hope

Hope...
So much more than a four letter word.

Hope is the intangible that I need to keep going with all of this and something that I am scared to death of.

It's what wakes me wake up each morning willing myself to keep trying. It's also what makes it hurt that much more if things don't work out.

One minute I feel like hope is just out of reach, and other times I feel like I'm surrounded by it...engulfed in its wings.

So that's where I'm at as 2013 came barreling down on us. Teetering back and forth with hope that this year will be my year.